Thursday, May 24, 2012

The difference between

"willing to"


"want to"


Tomorrow, or later today is your graduation day.

It's also the 2nd day of filming for FYP.

What time does yours start ?

I don't even know.

Guess that's what happens when I only find things out in a roundabout way.

Kinda like, your birthday last year.

I only found out about your little gathering when people asked me if I was going.

Because it's pretty damn awkward when the people who were invited ask me if I'm going or not.

And I have to say no.

Why ?

There was no excuse I could have made.

Not invited. That's all.

Oh snap.

Being there on that day to make sure you got the present.

Knowing that just a few floors above me, you were smiling and laughing and enjoying the company of your friends.

While below, I kept trying to delay leaving the place hoping, wishing something would happen.

I waited and waited and finally forced myself to just go.

Just leave, 1 hour after it started.

Because up until the end and beyond, I still hoped.

'It's ok, probably just forgot'

I remember that feeling because I'm feeling it everyday.

Everyday since you came back.

Excitedly organizing meetups with your friends.

Catching up.

Giving out gifts and souvenirs.

Seeing all those mentions and tags of thanks on Facebook and Twitter.

No problem I thought, I'll just wait,

It'll be my turn soon.

It will.


It's been 6 weeks.

6 weeks of waking up everyday trying to be optimistic 'Today's definitely gonna be the day'

6 weeks of trying to convince myself that you didn't conveniently forget about me.

That you thought of me even just a little bit.

'It's ok, forget it.'

I tell myself that everyday hoping that one day I'll actually believe it.

Losing you still is the one thing I'm afraid of the most.

There's a reason why people always answer with 'I'm ok' even when they're not.

If I say I'm not ok, would anything change at all ?

I doubt so.


So what if I find out the time and place.

It's not like me being there will make any difference.

You'll still be surrounded by all your better friends.

I'll still just be standing at a corner trying not to feel like an old toy that you got tired of and threw away.

Even if you hate me, despise me, replace me, toss me aside.

I'll still love you just the same. 


I don't want to hurt like this anymore.

I want so much to believe.

Believe that I mean something to the person most important to me.

I can't lose you.

I can't.

Friday, May 18, 2012

A Happy Day is...

The simple desire to talk and to be heard, and to confirm our present happiness.

-Hotaru No Hikari

It's a manga you told me about before.

Ages ago, in much happier times.

I just want to talk to you.

Yes, I always do.

But you know, it's depressing if that's the only reason you speak to me.

Talk to me if you really want to, not to placate me or something.

That feeling is gone.

When I see the way you tweet to all your friends.

I can feel it, a genuine wish to interact with them.

That enthusiasm, that eagerness.

And my lips twist into a bitter smile.

Please, pull me close and unfreeze me.


The biggest presentation of my poly life is coming up.

It's FYP presentation.

And I'm nervy as fuck.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Everything I'm not

Those words that stung so much.

Those words that caused tears to well up.

Those tears that I barely managed to blink away.

'Fuck off, mind your own business'

Was that what it meant ?


I never meant any harm, just concern.

I guess it doesn't matter.

I'm not a lot of things.

I'm not a best friend. Not anymore.

Haven't been for a long time.

Friday, May 11, 2012

Storyboard artist

Ah man so much shit going on now.

I thought everything was going smoothly enough for fyp.

And then suddenly, poof, scrap the story, start a new one from scratch.

Everything I've done so far, down the drain.

Everything we've done so far.

Basically redoing everything.

Proposals, scripts, storyboards.. every damn thing.

And as the storyboard artist, it gets really tiring.

Hours of work I put into drawing and I have to do it all again.

Of cos its not only me but...

It's getting so hard to keep up life now.

Everything's moving too fast.

And you're still so far out of my reach.

So many times I just want to flip tables.

Like just screw it all.

I just want to hug you, and rest my head on your shoulder for awhile.

For that warmth, that little bit of encouragement to go on.


For the first time

Complete lyrics: But we're gonna start by
Drinking old cheap bottles of wine,
Sit talking up all night,
Saying things we haven't for a while
A while, yeah
We're smiling but we're close to tears,
Even after all these years,
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting for the first time

Saturday, May 5, 2012


Make me happy.

It's just a simple fact of my life.

And you, let me taste every emotion out there.

But it is worth going through all the pain for those moments of happiness.