Saturday, December 31, 2011

Goodbye

As we enter the beginning of the end of 2011.

Did I change at all ?

Nah.

Still the same.

Reminds me of the line from 'High school never ends'

"I still don't have the right look, and I still have the same 3 friends, and I'm pretty much the same as I was back then'

High school really never ends.

Same shit, different place.

I'm just someone who doesn't belong anywhere.

I just drift around and people tolerate me.

My unrealistic dream for 2012 : Become somebody's most important person.

I want to be 'the one' and not 'one of them'

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'I don't care'

Maybe one day I could really do that.

Then maybe I won't feel like I'm such a piece of crap that can be tossed aside so easily and picked up again whenever it's convenient.

Then maybe I won't care so much about somebody that won't ever understand why.

Then maybe I won't feel so unwanted.

Then maybe I can close off this blog.

Then maybe I can leave everything behind and just take off.

Then when I come back 3 years later, everyone will pat me on the back and say 'hey where've you been' and then we can sit around a little round table and talk about all the fun old times.

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'Absence makes the heart grow fonder'

This is what someone told me.

You know, I really don't want to believe that this saying is true.

But it just is, the way it explains pretty much everything.

Even if its not in the romantic sense, it explains why she misses him so much.

And it explains why it always seems like I'm just a pest.

That whenever I try to say anything, it seems like I just get blown off.

That I am not relevant at all.

And it sucks huh.

That a person who would prioritize someone over anything else ends up being shoved to one side just like that.

Yea, I'm mad, I'm angry.

But what the fuck can I do about it.

Hey it would be nice if it were all just a big misunderstanding.

Then I could slap myself, be embarrassed and laugh about it.

Should I stay ?

Should I go ?

I want to stay, but I don't want to be taken for granted. I don't want to be that person who 'is always available anyway so it's ok to heck care him, he won't be going anywhere'

I want to go. I want to run away and see if anyone really misses me enough to come after me. But that would make me a hypocrite. "I would always be there for you" won't mean anything anymore.

I wish I could belief wholeheartedly, but blind faith doesn't work anymore.

Give me a reason to belief.

A reason to believe that I'm not just a bit-part character, that I'm not just a substitute.

If it's not too much to ask, please do make an effort to show me if I'm an important part of your life.

I hope that's not too much of a bother.

Monday, December 26, 2011

"Mata Itsuka"

"And so I cry sometimes when I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out, what's in my head
And I, I am feeling a little peculiar
And so I wake up in the morning and I step outside
And I take a deep breath and I get real high
And I scream from the top of my lungs
What's goin on"


Christmas is over.

I had hoped it would have been more fulfilling.

More warm.

I had hoped it would have been spent with you.

And well. There's really nothing left.

2011 is gonna be over soon.

At times it felt like an eternity. But it went by just like that.

So many moments I would like to experience again.

So many things that I would redo if I get the chance.

So many of your smiles forever burnt into memory.

So many of those painful moments where I felt dying was preferable.

So many times I felt like I was being tossed aside, replaced, forsaken.

But I guess there's really nothing to regret.

Some things, I will never forget.

These memories I will always hold close to me.

Now... I don't think there's anything more that I can say.

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flumpool - Akashi ( proof )




Face forward, if you ever look back, you’ll stagger
Finally, I managed to wave my hands to you who are fading in the distance

If I call out, I might hold you back. So, in my heart, I whisper
“I’ll be heading towards my dream, and you are going to realize yours”

Only after I lost it, that I realize the warmth that I took for granted
Living through loneliness, I hold on the courage to start on my own path

Before the overflowing tears obstructing you from view
At least, I’ll say “See you again someday” with a smile
When we hurt each other, for countless time we forgive one another
Won’t that be our irreplaceable proof

Even if people critic you of being willful, just keep wishing
That voice will surely reach, if you’re being yourself

If I ever have my dream crushed and given up
Please do scold me from afar, just like those times

At the other end of where you’re pointing, there surely is hope
no one is going to decide it for you
when you’re suffering inside, if you come to question the meaning of life
gently remember of ourselves on that day

“see you again” is a vain word, an empty promise
no matter how many times we exchange it, I’ll never get used to it
nevertheless, in the notebook in which fragments of the past sprawl over
there’s not even a single page with you absent in it

By the time I’ve wiped the tears away, you were already gone
“Thanks” was the word I could think of
again and again we hurt each other and laugh together
this bond will be locked inside my heart, I’ll be setting off too

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Let it rain

It's the great Christmas depression.

I wonder what it would be like to be able to spend Christmas with the person you love the most.

And then the reality sinks in that for the 2nd year in a row, I'm down and out of love on Christmas.

"All I want for Christmas is you"

All I'm gonna get is a big stocking full of nothing.

At least I like the presents I got for myself at Uniqlo.

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For me, the most effective way to get rid of pain, is to numb it with another pain.

Hey, even a temporary solution is still a solution.

Before I realized it, part of the reason why I pick up my guitar nowadays, is to feel the sensation of steel strings digging into raw, peeling fingertips.

It's kind of ironic, that I've turned my instrument into a torture device of sorts.

Too bad it doesn't function as well anymore.

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I should really stop trying so hard.

Perhaps just stop trying altogether.

There really is no point in anything that I do.

They just end up broken into tiny little pieces, swept away by the wind and left to be forgotten by all but me. Just for me to regret.

And I'm always chasing, always running but the distance just seems to get further and further.

Why do I cling so hard to things ? I'm just gonna get left behind.

"Therapy is a kid's worst nightmare, because everyone is telling them that they need help, when all they really need is hug."- Alex Gaskarth

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Hey y'all.

Please enjoy this year's Christmas for me.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Screaming.

I'm staying away.

Not because I want to, but I don't have a choice.

This one is going to be hell to get over.

Being in love has never been so painful.

Every waking moment, my heart is shouting her name.

Pummeling its cages, wishing to break free of its flesh and bone restraints to be at her side.

But no.

No matter how much I love her, how much I want to be with her. It's not going to happen ever is it ?

Take it slow ? Forget these emotions step by step ?

It'll happen gradually.

But what if it doesn't ?

I'm struggling to hold back my feelings.

The relentless beating in my left chest.

And I'm choking on this misery.

It's so suffocating.

And it's strangling me from the inside.

It's really painful.

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What is the price I have to pay to be happy ?

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

眼泪

我的眼泪在哪里?

为什么我总是哭不出来?

我打一个哈欠都回流眼泪,但是为什么伤心时,心痛时却流不出来。

我很想哭,我真的很想哭。

我是不是很笨?

我是不是很幼稚,为了一个女孩子而这么伤心?

为什么我这么白痴?

为什么我这么没有用?

为什么我只可以静静地接受?

为什么我还能笑得出来?

我很爱她,真的,真的,非常爱她。

这是我第一次告诉一个女孩子 “我爱你” 这三个字。

明明被拒绝了,为什么我还笑得出?

可以不要笑吗?

可以不要在人家面前装着什么都 OK。

心里很痛,真的很痛。

为什么爱一个人总是会这么痛苦?

“我爱你”

这三个字是很认真地。

早就知道她不会喜欢我。

为什么还含着那一点点的希望。

我也知道没有结果,为什么还含着那一点点的希望?

为什么我会爱上她?

不要告诉我你是个烂人。

不要告诉我你多么的卑鄙。

不要告诉我你会想故意伤害我。

这些我都知道,我知道,但是我还是默默地爱着你。

我觉得自己很可笑。

他们全都告诉我 “你这次爱错人了”

真的有 “爱错人” 这种事情吗?

是我自己白痴。

自作多情。

普普通通做个朋友不是很好吗?

为什么爱上她?

起初我也不想,但是我的感情我控制不了。

我什么都不懂,真么都没有,不喜欢我也不奇怪。

我也想把这个感情埋起来。

我也想回到那些日子,我们单单是朋友的那些日子。

知道吗?

我这一生最想要的就是能够找个伴陪我一生一世。

算了。没希望了。

心碎了一次又一次。

没关系,作朋友好。

我很累了。

你们一定觉得我很可怜。被拒绝而已,有谁没有不拒绝过 ?

说到几乎是一中要死要活的事情。

可以让我哭出来吗?

哭一下不就没事了。

为什么就是哭不出来?

很痛。

很痛。

很痛。

很痛。

很痛。

很痛。

很痛。

很痛。

很痛。

很痛。

可以让我哭吗?!

Monday, December 19, 2011

Lonesome Lunch

Going out by myself.

Coming home by myself.

Buying lunch by myself.

Eating it by myself.

This house is pretty big but I never liked it.

And even though I call it home, I don't feel cozy here at all.

It's just a big empty house with no soul.

Looking out through the windows at that vast grey sky.

I wonder if you're seeing it too.

And maybe you're sparing me a thought every now and then.

Hoping that you would think of me all the time would be exceedingly stupid of me.

Are you enjoying yourself ?

Talking and laughing and flashing that amazing smile.

That smile that always manages to curve my lips upwards when I remember it.

What does it mean to be happy ?

My idea of happiness, I think it's pretty simple.

It could be sharing a meal, where we would smile and laugh and talk of all the nonsense in the world.

Or a walk somewhere, with our fingers intertwined and our shoulders bumping into each other.

Or maybe just lying in bed under the sheets on a rainy day keeping each other warm.

But maybe I'm being too optimistic.

But I keep telling myself that I shouldn't expect anything.

Why is love so difficult ?

Even though it is such a simple feeling.

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It's raining so hard. I wonder if you can get home safe and dry.

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flumpool - Haru Kaze



I want to keep talking with you
I want to keep laughing with you
This will probably never change
I couldn't imagine my life without you

I want to keep holding your hand
I want to hold it real tight
This will probably never change
The days that I was with you
I want to live it just one more time

If a wish would come true
I will always choose to go see you
Several nights have passed by
I will dedicate this song to you

Sunday, December 18, 2011

We'll be fine.

I'll hold on to those words.

And I will believe in you.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Relentless

How do I extract myself out of this feeling of being incomplete.

The windows reflected in the puddle. Showing me the grey sky outside.

The rain that poured on me. I really hate it.

But then it seems like at least the sky understands me.

The sky can stop crying, but for me, since that day, it hasn't stopped raining.

Waiting for that song to play.

I'm really so pathetic.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

So pathetic

And so weak.

I say I don't want to betray her.

But in reality. All I want, more than anything else, is to be with her.

I can't lie anymore.

It's much too painful.

Everything is dull and grey.

Is it ok ? For me to love her like this.

Is it possible for us to ever be together ?

Monday, December 12, 2011

What do you do ?

When you miss someone so badly you wanna rip your heart out and toss it away so you can't feel that pain.

I don't understand.

And I'm confused.

I don't know what to do.

Throwing me a curve ball.

Sending me crashing down like that.

In that one moment, everything changed for me.

Just four words.

I am a wreck.

I can't stop thinking about her.

Please.

Come back and save me.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Can't

Contain it anymore.

Day 1 of filming is over.

I'm so tired.

Right now, I would give anything. Anything.

To drown myself in her, to get drunk on the taste of her lips.

I can't repress it anymore.

I just want her.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

The Meowth is out of the Pokeball

There it goes.

All my resolve just flew out the window.

Broke it down, just like that. Into tiny little fragments.

My feeble lies and denials, probably didn't buy a single one of them.

I'm really sorry. Really really sorry.

I'm so relieved, but at the same time, so afraid.

The shock, the confusion. And every other little emotion that followed.

I thought I could handle it.

No.

You just, royally mess me up.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Breath

I just want to breath until I take you in

So close but so far away.

Being happy hasn't started yet.

Well at least I'm not unhappy so I guess it is a start.

Gonna watch apple of my eye on Wednesday. That's something to look forward to.

2 assignments to submit at the end of this week.

Still being chill.

The real 'fun' starts during holidays.

It's gonna be intensive.

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I have work to do but right now, I just feel like burying my head in something soft.

Wrap myself up in warmth.

Close my eyes and drift away.

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SID- AkiKaze

Thursday, December 1, 2011

December

December is darkest, and June is the light.
But this empty bedroom, won't make anything right.
-Calendar Girl, The Stars

Into the last month of the year.

It seems November has been a bad month for many.
For me, well I didn't enjoy it that much.
But November was also the birthday month of many who are dear to me.
So I guess I shouldn't complain.

It's been raining everyday, which sucks.
Because there is a puddle in my room everyday. I guess this is something I can complain about.
I've got some assignments to hand in.
Nothing too stressful though. I won't have to lose sleep over anything this time round.

I'm going to try my best to live happily for the remainder of 2011.
Through 2011, I've mostly been sad, angry, jealous and resentful.
For this last month, I'm going to try my best to be happy.

Hey, even if the main character at the end of the story does not get the girl. It's fine.

There's still a sequel to be written.