Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Fleeting

So it was just a fleeting thing.

I think.

I hope.

Probably is.

Thank GuanYinMa.

Meh, won't think too much about it.

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Everything gets a little bit better after a good sleep.

Still not having dreams. =(

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As always things won’t be better
As always no one understands
As always I’ll do anything
As always if it makes you laugh

I’m growing up to be a better man
But I always fail I’m still a dirty bug
I wanna grab the flag
But there’s always someone faster

I got the music playing loud in my head
I got a red hot chili blows it away
I got the music playing loud in my head
Turn the blinker off we go straight ahead

MIA

Assignment week.

won't be in school most of the week.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Dead man alive.

Sometimes.

A lot of times actually. The thought comes to me that. If I died, or if I never existed. It wouldn't matter would it ? I wouldn't cause any trouble if I'm dead. I wouldn't have caused any in the 1st place if I was never born. And then everyone's happier that way.

Living without a purpose. Isn't that just waiting for death to happen ?

I'm pretty much dead already anyway. Nothing to live for.

Teetering on the edge of life and death.

Who's gonna push me down ?
Cos I sure ain't gonna jump down myself.

Who's gonna pull me away from the ledge ?
Do I even matter enough to anyone at all ?

Just existing.
Carried by the wind, flowing along with the current.

Spectral. Desolation. Haunting.

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It was just an harmless, innocent impulse to do something that I liked.

So when did it become entirely my fault that it turned out the way it did ?

I probably screwed something up along the way like I always do.

But does that mean I get to shoulder the blame entirely ?

What about my own resentment ?

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No rewinds. No second times. No going back.

I'll do what I have to.

Just watch me.


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People can slag me all they want.
Talk all the shit they can.
Put me down for all they're worth.
I don't care.
They don't mean a thing to me.

Not you.

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Maybe I like being a kid.

What's so bad about it ?

You grow up and suddenly everybody is suspicious.

Everybody is talking shit about you when you're not there.

Everybody is fucking out to tear you limb from limb.

The most innocent joke and harmless gesture turn into spite and deceit.

Is that what the 'grown-up' world is like ?

Fuck that.

I'm gonna be a kid.

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Whatever happened to those days ? When our laughter was innocent , our smiles genuine and our hearts were true.

I'm reaching out an empty hand. But it remains empty, there's nothing to fill it, nobody to take it. And an open palm becomes a tightly clenched fist.

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Simmering. Smoldering.

So close. So very close.

Give me a reason to. And I swear I will.

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Boys Like Girls - The Great Escape




Make peace with an empty town.

Throw it away. Forget Yesterday.

There's nothing worth keeping, nothing worth remembering.

I'll make the great escape.

Won't hear a word they say. Who the hell are they anyway ? They don't know me.

Watch it burn. Let it die.

There's nothing that means anything. Tonight, or any other night.

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Saturday, May 28, 2011

Run

Today. I ran.

From the bus stop all the way home. Barefooted. Slippers got in the way. So i picked them up.

Don't feel like thinking on the way home.

Just fucking run.

Uphill and downhill. Gravel and asphalt.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Calling.

Haizul's graduation today. Didn't manage to get any free food. Took some pictures. Played some music.. ( HX played, I made noise ). Took more pictures.. took a video. Fooled around and had tons of fun.

Just the 3 of us, just the way it should be.

And then took 74 together. How long has it been since the last time ?

My jaw hurt like hell after that ride. =<

Hmm... If dreams are a projection of a person's subconsciousness , what does it mean to not have any dreams ?

I wonder.

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So helpless.

I can't do anything to help.

Can't say anything to console.

Just standing there and looking on like a statue.

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Plastic Tree - Rokugatsu no Ame



the drizzling you sent down
those being distorted are the brilliant memories
if only the same things can be seen
up to where will things be understood perfectly, i wonder?

being hit by the never-ending rain
it's what i'm thinking gently of, like this, right now -

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

37℃

I never like to have an argument.

No matter who it is with.

I get tense. My blood rushes. And I get into that confrontational mood.

And I really hate that.

Thrashed out some issues I guess. Better now than later on.

Spent half of the bus ride smoldering in silence and trying to get my body to calm down.

Thanks.

For giving me advice, for helping, and for being there.


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This was one day where I wished it would have rained while I was walking home.


Plastic Tree - 37℃




whisper, whisper, and
set the magic going.
without cooling, without cooling,
the rising slight fever of mine.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Exploring the Magic colour pie

Something from M:tG that I was always fascinated with.

The 5 colours that each represent a facet of the human soul.

And I think I'm gonna try analysing some people in my life based on this.

Simply put :

1) White : organization
2) Blue : intelligence
3) Black : self-concern
4) Red : Emotion
5) Green : Instinct

Looks simple so far eh ? Haha.

Just the tip of the iceberg.

The slightly more complex form (not gonna go into full details, will take freakin forever to read and write ):

1) White puts value in the group, the community, and its civilization as a whole. White's ultimate goal is peace, harmony, and perfection

2) Blue is the color that looks on the world and sees opportunity. For Blue, life is a chance to contemplate oneself, and what is possible, and to bring about the best of both.

3) Black is the color of self-indulgence, parasitism, amorality and unfettered desire for power. It believes that the world is made for its taking and that the weak exist to be exploited by the strong.

4) Above all else, red values freedom of expression. It wants to do what it wants, when it wants, to whom it wants, and nobody can tell it otherwise.

5) Green is the color of nature, growth, interdependence and instinct. It believes that obedience the natural order alone is the best way to exist and thus favors a simplistic way of living in harmony with the rest of the world.

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Each colour is allied with 2 other colours and enemies with 2 other colours.

eg.

White is allied with green because they both value the community.
White is also allied with blue because they value order.

White is against black because white is about the good of the community whereas black is all about personal benefit.
White is against red because white requires order which conflicts with red's freedom of self expression.

In other cases:
1) Blue's allies are white and black, whereas its enemies are green and red.
2) Black's allies are blue and red, whereas its enemies are white and green.
3) Red's allies are black and green, whereas its enemies are white and blue.
4) Green's allies are white and red, whereas its enemies are blue and black.

Each colour has its own good points and bad points.
White is not inherently good and black is not inherently bad.

Eg. Hitler is a dominantly white person based on the colour pie. Although Hitler takes white to the extreme.

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Analysis time

1) Myself : 60% red, 30% white, 10% blue
Knowing myself. I wear my heart on my sleeve, am very impulsive and value my freedom most of all. I have and am involved in a small community and believe that some semblance of order is needed. I recognize the need for knowledge but also feel that knowledge isn't everything.

2) Haizul : 50% white, 30% blue, 20% red
This one's a little bit tough.White is the highest because Haizul acts like a big sis to everyone and cares for everyone. Works hard to in studies and everything else she does. Goes along with the group most of the time but has individual expression and freedom.

3) HuiXian : 40% red, 40% white, 20% blue
Expresses freely. Sort of carefree. Wild and untamed ( sort of ). Large social circle. Maintains order ( sort of ) and acts for the benefit of the group. Works hard towards goals.

4) Zhen Wei : 50% red, 30% white, 20% blue
I don't think anything really needs to be said.

I'm getting lazy and don't feel like typing explanations anymore.

5) Eric : 40% white, 30% green, 30% red

6) Yishun : 200% white, 1% red. 20% Black

Yeah, so that's all for the analysis of me and my guinea pigs.

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In this world, in many cases, we cannot put our hearts where our mouths are. Simply because words are very dangerous weapons. Words can bring joy and do harm. But more often than not in our lives. We use words as weapons to hide our fragile selves. Hiding behind a sharp tongue. Hurting others before we ourselves get hurt.

This happens all too often on daily life.

The shadow in human hearts.

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Finally spilled everything out.
Feel more relaxed now.

Everything's gonna be OK.

It used to me telling people that.

Lol looks I need to convince myself.



Riding on a shooting star
your voice calls out to me

Friday, May 20, 2011

Road to Redemption

Finally.

Finally.

After so long. I finally got to talk to you properly again.

It's been 2 weeks. 2 weeks that seemed like an eternity. A long torturous eternity. Like getting caught in Itachi's sharingan.

' For the next 72 hours, you will be caught in your worst nightmare and experience the worst pain'

Fast forward forever.... there are 71 hours 59 minutes and 59 seconds left.

That shit's pretty crazy.

Well that's kinda what it's been like.

And I never ever want to go back there.

And I'm really really sorry for acting the way I was.

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It's a start at least.

Just melting the tip of the iceberg.

There are still so many problems.

Problems with myself, that I have to solve myself.

But still...

It's a start.

I'll walk down this long road to my redemption.
Walking merrily along, singing my favourite songs.

Just a hero without a name.

Inoue Joe - Closer



You have to always be careful
With the things closest to you.
You get too close, and
You'll lose sight of it.

You know the closer you get to something,
The tougher it is to see it.
And I'll never take it for granted.

Go forward without giving up
On the dream you are chasing!
As long as you brag,
You won't be able to do anything.

In order to survive another day,
I'll gather a handful of courage to my chest.
And I'll never take it for granted.
Let's go!

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Lost and Found.

Staring at the fingernail marks on my left palm.

Dragging myself through the usual daily routine.

Wake up -School - home - sleep. Stop. Playback. Rewind.

Same old same old.

Guess its sort of a good thing. I've finally picked up my guitar and actually learnt something properly.

It's a really really simple song. Easy on the ears, easy on the fingers. But simple as it may be, it has one of the most beautiful lyrics outside of Plastic Tree songs that I've ever read.


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Things have changed. I've lost something inside me that I can't identify.
The best way to describe it would be.. hmmm... I've lost my soul's heater, and I'm freezing over inside.

Does that make sense ? I guess not.

Going home alone is really boring.

Its just me and my music player ( new best friend ) watching the scenery of sunny/rainy Singapore fly by, oblivious to the surroundings. And then eventually falling asleep.

Guess its ok, I don't really wanna talk to anyone anyway.

With what I've lost. I've also gained something. A new found fondness of the peace and quiet of solitude. Detached from the hustle and bustle of school.

Away from the noise and chaos from the clubroom, where my fuse gets ever shorter everyday.
And each passing moment brings me closer and closer to lashing out at all the annoyances chewing away at my sanity.

Lol perhaps I'm the one generating the most noise by my horrible playing. And you know what ? I really don't give a fuck.

Like I care about the bunch of you.

The me of now, reminds me of back when I heard the 1 song that got me into Plastic Tree's music.

Here it is.

Plastic Tree - Alone Again, Wonderful World



Guess I won’t ever see you again.
This can’t be happening.
It’s like I’ve forgotten how to sleep as well.
In any case, this isn’t a dream.
If you’re not here.
Ah, I need you.
I’m hurting.
Something’s happening to me.
The distance that prevents us from touching
And the passing days that pile up
Are where we’re being separated.

Grief is the roar of explosions.
I can't even hear your voice, it doesn't reach me.
The wind is so noisy, so fragrant... ruru

Alone again
Unreliable world.
Round and round, spinning for eternity.
My swirling heart’s a rainbow.
Will we meet again?
"Hello, hello"
I call, if my words reach you
Mischievous wonderful world.

Hey, all day I remember, and call out your name.
It only keeps on echoing.
Midday moon. A single answer floats about, like it might disappear.

A remnant of the painful mode.
I can’t even see your face, can’t recognize it.
The rustling wind laughs, fufu——.

Spread those skirt-like wings
And slowly sway; you, a dream, an illusion.
Annoying tears scatter in disorder
If I can still find you
"Hello, hello where are you?"
Cruel, wonderful world

Sorrow, today I'll stop its renewal
Sentiment, I'll apply for it tomorrow.

Ah, even if the future is nothing but fumbling, at least it’ll be a new day.
I must look like a fool.
Beyond my tears, what are you saying to scold me?

Alone again
Unreliable world.
Round and round, how long will it spin?
My swirling heart’s a rainbow.
I'll find the mistakes in my memory!
I'll spread skirt-like wings and flutter; you, a dream, an illusion
Annoying tears fall in disorder.
If I can still find you, I'll say
"Hello, hello"
To you and me, somewhere
In this wonderful world.

Just a hero without a name.

Today so far has been quiet and peaceful. Haven't been spoken to, and have not spoken to anyone other than exchanging a few words with my parents.

And I find that I kind of enjoy the silence in this solitude. Just doing what I do.

Just walking along the path that life has set for me.

Just me and my baggage walking into the setting sun.

Just a 'Hero' without a name.

Or any achievements at all come to think of it.



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Unknowingly.

Clenched fists.

Fingernails digging into my palm.

Relishing the small stinging pain.

Breathing the stagnant air.

And just existing.

But still. I'll keep walking.

Through the rain, through the shine.


UVERworld - CORE PRIDE



Life’s a bitch, so if it’s easy, you’re doing it wrong
Stop, which way is the world going? Then ignore it and go wherever

There are things I could never have, things with time
Is there a reason I force my heart upon them?
I never tried to understand, I just forced it on them
I’m no better than those lifeless adults.

Even if it’s just a pipe dream I could never have
But no one can put out the fire in my heart
The black rain may pour hard and leave me drenched
But I know I can change, I will change myself

This is my pride, what makes up my core.

I won’t let my fire be put out; not yet
I’ll keep going, and I’ll never stop.




Monday, May 16, 2011

Whatever - Lost and Found - .. again

I'll just do it now since I can't sleep. Gonna try to recall what I wrote 3 days ago. Or the gist of it.
Well, I remember the title at least.

Hope the original shows up sometime soon.

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It's growing wider every passing day. There's an inevitability about it.

Can you feel it ? I can.

I feel it in every molecule of my existence.

I've lost something.
My soul's furnace.

I'm freezing over inside.

When I laugh nowadays, its forced.

Someone once told me that I had a warm heart.

Now I'm wondering if that's true or not ? Honestly, I'm skeptical.
Because quite honestly, the me of the present doesn't have the ability to care.

All I see now, is a bunch of people I could do without. And couldn't care less about.

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I've found something as well. My bastard asshole jerk streak.

Simmering. So close to boiling over. So close to lashing out, losing my temper and losing myself.

Cold, sneering , scornful, touchy , irritable.

That's the present me.


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Taking the bus home alone is boring.

Slowly getting used to it ( again )

So now, back to what I used to do eh ?

Now its just me in my window seat with my music player ( new best friend ). Watching the 'scenery' fly by before eventually falling asleep.

And then waking up and walking the lonely road home. This used to be the one part of the journey where I was only by myself. The part that I used to think in solitary silence and to clear my head.

Now, I'm back where I was a year ago. Doing everything by my lonesome. With nothing to look forward to anywhere I go. Just waiting for whatever happens to happen.

Unknowingly, I've come to rely on this presence.

Because, quite frankly,

What am I when you're not here ?



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Reminds me of the 1st Plastic Tree song I've ever heard. The one song that pulled me in.

Alone again, wonderful world.




Spread those skirt-like wings
And slowly sway; you, a dream, an illusion.
Annoying tears scatter in disorder
If I can still find you
"Hello, hello where are you?"
Cruel, wonderful world

Sorrow, today I'll stop its renewal
Sentiment, I'll apply for it tomorrow.

Ah, even if the future is nothing but fumbling, at least it’ll be a new day.
I must look like a fool.
Beyond my tears, what are you saying to scold me?

Alone again
Unreliable world.
Round and round, how long will it spin?
My swirling heart’s a rainbow.
I'll find the mistakes in my memory!
I'll spread skirt-like wings and flutter; you, a dream, an illusion
Annoying tears fall in disorder.
If I can still find you, I'll say
"Hello, hello"
To you and me, somewhere
In this wonderful world.

Wondering......

...... when blogger will restore my lost post

Guess I'll write it again if its not back by the time I get home tomorrow.

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The rain that began to fall dissolves into the dry asphalt,

in the chill I wrap these hands mingling with a slight heat

Not showing my tears, I walk, a martyr for something,
even if the outcome may be that I betray you

But you know, it can be changed so that until I abandon hope, just like this
I’ll always dream the same dream with you…

The repeating days soak us,
even the place we pictured on that day,
The nighttime downpour keeps thundering on and on
and the night cries, cries*

The rain that began to fall put the scent of soil on the wind,
my face reflects in a tepidly gathering puddle

Is it fine this way? Although there’s only one answer,
this is the conclusion that my gave rise to my worries, so please don’t ask me anymore

If I blame myself will my feelings become a little easier?
You see, I’m always just playing the victim

Even if we walk and smile at one another, glossing things over,
the rain washes everything away,
The day you announced our separation, in truth I was crying
Dissolve this lie of a smile

Continuing to hesitate, continuing to worry,
I think I can become stronger
Continuing to hesitate, continuing to worry,
so until the day I can smile at such days

Feelings I can’t completely throw away slowly cutting off my breaths,
I shut my eyes and exhale,
remembering that day, clenching my fists tightly,
wishing for tomorrow

The repeating days soak us,
even the place we pictured on that day,
The nighttime downpour keeps thundering on and on
and the night cries, cries


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Wednesday, May 11, 2011

雪月花

I lied.

I'm fighting to keep my demon at bay.

I'm losing.

Please, don't let my will waver.
Please let me follow through and not regret the decisions I've made.
Please, give me the courage to blaze a path of my own.

Forge my heart into the sharpest sword.
And let my will of fire burn.

Proudly, majestically, to keep my heart warm even when I'm alone.


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Plastic Tree - 雪月花




Spring’s petals bloom. To the windflowers…

…on the windowsill, blowing in the wind …

Summer’s floating constellations like Vega and Altair…

…from my windowsill, they disappear and I can’t find them.

Autumn’s gentle mist that waits for a long spell of rain and at my windowsill my thoughts are washed away…

Winter’s the cause of whirling snow, like melting crystals…

…before I regrettably lose my memories…

…what is this emotion called?

How many times do these seasons revolve?

If we were to float to this questioned sky…

“The mark that the two of us made, it’s still there.”


Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Sanctuary

It's only 9+ and I am so drowsy. No idea why.
3 hours yesterday and 4 hours today. The time spent practicing and learning how to play 1 song. It's supposed to be an easy song. I think it's ok. Still getting the hang of changing chords faster. Today , I noticed I got a little bit faster as compared to yesterday.

Ahh, I'm enjoying it but my wrist is really sore now.

And I really gotta cut my nails.

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Dreamland has always been a sort of a sanctuary for me, but recently, I didn't dream anything, just an empty blanket of white. I guess its better than having nightmares or something. But still, its kinda discomfiting to not have any dreams.

And even though I slept 8 hours ( which is enough ) , I wake up feeling like crap.

Hmm.. kinda seems like my final sanctuary is losing its effectiveness.

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Went home early today ( sorta ). 7+ considered early ? Reached home around 8.20.

Too much noise and annoyance in the clubroom.

Not really in the mood to joke around today.


ViViD - Precious



I grew so used to seeing the lost child on the street that my heart turned empty
Though the path is narrow, long and rugged I won't turn back
I can't grasp the outstretching hand I knew that things couldn't change 

No matter how much time passes by I'll be waiting for you in this place

I want to see you I want to see you I want to see you but you're not here
I'm alone, so alone I called out to you
So I'll always, always sing so I can reach you

Your face doesn't stop showing, does it? It's good that it's cleared up after the rain
A really weak person can't walk but won't turn back
I hoped that your thoughts didn't reach of me to not being able to sing anymore

It's not like we only shared sorrow
But after this nothing will ever change... because I love you

I want to see you I want to see you I want to see you but you're not here
I'm alone, so alone I called out to you
So I'll always, always sing so I can reach you

Monday, May 9, 2011

Visiting the Past

Its past 3am on Monday morning and I can't sleep again. Wonder what's causing it. Is it all the tea ? Or is it that I woke up too late on Sunday.

Anyway.

Today on a whim, I went to check out her Facebook page. And there were all these wall posts from one of her guy classmates. Scrolling through them bit by bit, it seems like she really enjoys herself with him. Are they a couple ? I have no idea, and honestly I don't think I really want to find out.

It was never like that with me. When I tried to talk to her, it always seemed like I was just being a bother, and that she was never really willing to talk to me, to let me get closer to her, keeping me at arm's length.

Compared to her classmates... I don't think I ever really stood a chance. It's obvious enough that no matter how hard I tried these past 11 months, they were like an insurmountable wall between me and her, and I was always beneath them in her heart.

Being just a clubmate was too much of a disadvantage I guess.

Back then, I remember if I was so happy just to get a chance to get a glimpse of her for a few seconds everyday in school. Maybe even exchange a few words if I was lucky.

Nowadays, its just a 'hello' and walk away. I don't even get the urge to try to talk to her much anymore. Not saying that I dislike her or anything now. It's just kind of weird. I couldn't dislike her even if I wanted to, even after getting my heart smashed into pieces ( sort of ).

Because, she didn't mean to and she didn't know that she was. How do you dislike someone who doesn't know what kind of effect her actions caused to me anyway ? Aish, she's just so innocent compared to other girls.

How long has it been since I gave her a present for Christmas ? Almost 5 months. It was a soft puppy keychain. 5 months ago, I had hoped that I would get to see it hanging from her bag everyday. 5 months on, I still haven't seen it since giving it to her.

Can't really fault her I guess, the bag she wears to school has nothing that she can hang it on. Not that it didn't affect me.

Still, it's over now. I've well and truly given up chasing after her.

And now, I'm wondering why I'm dwelling on the past. Maybe its cause the mood seemed right ? Being unable to sleep in the dead of the night kinda does that to me.

The past, doesn't really matter anymore. The present... hmm it's not that much fun either. The future... nobody has any idea.

The happiest memories I have of 2011 so far, are all concentrated in 6 little pieces of paper. The same 6 pieces that I'm looking at and smiling to right now. Other then that, there's not been much more to be happy about.

Haizul told me that I'll find my special someone someday. I sure hope so, even if I'm not sure if it'll ever happen. Who knows ? I might meet her sometime soon, maybe in a few years. Or maybe she's already in my life and I just don't know it yet.

Whatever.

If its meant to be, we'll find each other somehow. But still, I just can't help but wonder what she's like ? Haha

And now.. its past 4 am.



Plastic Tree - Saishuu Densha



I get on the last train.
While the cold car is filled with a white light,
it starts to move slowly.
On the other side of the glass,
the illuminations of the street where I was with you until a little time ago are getting smaller.
Just the waning moon is chasing after.

Swallowed by the dark sky, I keep running.

Even though we’re apart, even though we’re far, everything leads towards you.
I hope for my prayers to be fulfilled, also the one to be patched (again).
You can sleep whithout hesitating on anything.
Somehow, I’m happy,
and while joking I wave my hand a little.

While grasping the ticket I think about you.
Also the shapes of the travellers who had arrived at the station disappear,
I’m the only one left.
My chest hurts just a little, with a cracking sound,
and the candy you gave me when I came back is bitter.
It tastes like a piece of the waning moon.

All the days that seemed happy keep flowing on the windows.

Even though we’re apart, even though we’re far, everything leads towards you.
All my hopes, also the tore ones, I wish for them to reach you.
You could sleep without being scared of anything.
Since when you wake up, the world will have changed into everything you like.

Hey, on the other side of the waning moon, did my voice reach you?

Last train
has finally reached
the edge of the night.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Truth

LOVE DIVING - TRUTH



Even though I’m trying to find an answer everyday seems like it’s washed away
I will lose sight of it soon
Asking:“What is the right thing?” Even if you don’t understand it, it’s ok
Even if you lose your way, alone on the road

I filled it up, this empty shell of my old self
And now I’m throwing it away, going out for a walk

Beating my heart, the throbbing in my chest
I want to believe in it, even though I can’t see the end
Of this violent throbbing in my chest
Our truth that has been shining in that moment
My heart will continue to beat

The answer that I’m seeking, doesn’t have a shape
Another thing I didn’t realize
Asking: “Am I wrong?” Even if you don’t know that, it’s ok
Pushing your way through this road alone

Even if you are becoming full of scratches while wandering around
Keep on walking until you reach the end

Beating my heart, the throbbing in my chest
Like an incessantly hitting fist
Even if it’s accompanied by pain
Our truth that has been shining in that moment
I have to continue to engrave it

There is only one important thing
You can feel it, right? Then we believe ourself

Beating my heart, the throbbing in my chest
I want to believe in it, even though I can’t see the end
Of this violent throbbing in my chest
Our truth that has been shining in that moment
My heart will continue to beat


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Yesterday was a good DoTA day. =D

Rolled 2 games straight with Enchantress through a 24-death feeder and Potm topping the scoreboard.

However.... didn't get any work done. =((((
Not for the whole of today as well.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Memories

Watched Norwegian Wood on Wednesday with the 74 gang. Something that we've been planning for ages. The movie was pretty good, but lots of parts from the book were cut off, which was a downer, cos those were the comedic parts. Such a pity.

After that , walked around cineleisure a bit and took neoprints ( like wtf lol ). That crazy ass machine gave me long eyelashes. I cringe at the sight of myself.

But at least now, I have some physical memories to hold on to. To save me from boredom @ the cost of having a stupid smile on my face whenever I look at them. These are memories that I will always hold close to me.

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Life is just so complicated at times. Our inner conflicts just makes things so difficult. Your mind tells you to do this, your heart wants you to do that. It's a constant clash of wills within. A battle that's never truly won or lost. Whatever may happen today, tomorrow brings new choices and new outcomes.

Life is the ultimate RPG, and we are all small time bit part NPCs.

Monday, May 2, 2011

-Sabishinbou - さびしんぼう - Lonely person-

What if, for instance, “lonely person”…

…becomes “me as usual”?

…I’ll just wrap myself up in this love, like a borrowed thing, and sleep.

In a dream where the ash of burning days rains down, the steadily buried me is already…

…becoming unable to see. Even if I cease to exist…

…I wish that the shape of my heart will still remain.

Before you’ve realized, I’ve become a lonely person…

But that’s okay, because I’ll get used to such things as loneliness.

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例えれば さびしんぼう

いつも通りの僕になる


There is something seriously wrong with me. Like my life is slipping out of my control.

Why the hell can I not feel happy for my best friend ?

I really hate myself right now.

Am I a piece of human garbage that has to feel such jealousy because they now have something that I've always wanted that I don't have ?

I've always thought I was a better person than that.

Apparently I'm not.

It's not like she's going away or anything, and it's not like I'm being left behind to rot.

So I don't see just what the fuck the problem is.

I'm just smoldering in my own jealousy. And it's taking over me.

Maybe.. maybe its just that.. nobody needs me anymore. And I'm irrelevant in anybody's life.

Perhaps its the thought that, whatever I can ever do for you, he can do it better than me...

LOL what is this ? Am I feeling inferior ?

I knew that things had to change, why would things not change ? I thought I was prepared for it, thought that I could deal with the changes. That's why I encouraged it. That it'd be good for them both.

If I knew that I'd turn out this way, would I have encouraged it ? I don't know what's going on with myself anymore.

If that's the way it is, then I should just stay away. Then I won't be in the way of anything.

I don't deserve to call you my best friend, if I'm going to be like this.

Human garbage should just rot in the thrash bin.

I'm just so alone now. Someone without a purpose, unneeded by anyone.
And tonight, I'm alone again. I need someone beside me. I need to feel physical contact. Feel somebody's warmth.

DoTA with the guys just isn't the same.

I don't like the crowds, and I hate to be alone. All I need, is a special someone, to hold me..
That's all.

That's all.

Plastic Tree - Sabishinbou




I never lied, but neither did I tell the whole truth.