Saturday, December 31, 2011

Goodbye

As we enter the beginning of the end of 2011.

Did I change at all ?

Nah.

Still the same.

Reminds me of the line from 'High school never ends'

"I still don't have the right look, and I still have the same 3 friends, and I'm pretty much the same as I was back then'

High school really never ends.

Same shit, different place.

I'm just someone who doesn't belong anywhere.

I just drift around and people tolerate me.

My unrealistic dream for 2012 : Become somebody's most important person.

I want to be 'the one' and not 'one of them'

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'I don't care'

Maybe one day I could really do that.

Then maybe I won't feel like I'm such a piece of crap that can be tossed aside so easily and picked up again whenever it's convenient.

Then maybe I won't care so much about somebody that won't ever understand why.

Then maybe I won't feel so unwanted.

Then maybe I can close off this blog.

Then maybe I can leave everything behind and just take off.

Then when I come back 3 years later, everyone will pat me on the back and say 'hey where've you been' and then we can sit around a little round table and talk about all the fun old times.

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'Absence makes the heart grow fonder'

This is what someone told me.

You know, I really don't want to believe that this saying is true.

But it just is, the way it explains pretty much everything.

Even if its not in the romantic sense, it explains why she misses him so much.

And it explains why it always seems like I'm just a pest.

That whenever I try to say anything, it seems like I just get blown off.

That I am not relevant at all.

And it sucks huh.

That a person who would prioritize someone over anything else ends up being shoved to one side just like that.

Yea, I'm mad, I'm angry.

But what the fuck can I do about it.

Hey it would be nice if it were all just a big misunderstanding.

Then I could slap myself, be embarrassed and laugh about it.

Should I stay ?

Should I go ?

I want to stay, but I don't want to be taken for granted. I don't want to be that person who 'is always available anyway so it's ok to heck care him, he won't be going anywhere'

I want to go. I want to run away and see if anyone really misses me enough to come after me. But that would make me a hypocrite. "I would always be there for you" won't mean anything anymore.

I wish I could belief wholeheartedly, but blind faith doesn't work anymore.

Give me a reason to belief.

A reason to believe that I'm not just a bit-part character, that I'm not just a substitute.

If it's not too much to ask, please do make an effort to show me if I'm an important part of your life.

I hope that's not too much of a bother.

Monday, December 26, 2011

"Mata Itsuka"

"And so I cry sometimes when I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out, what's in my head
And I, I am feeling a little peculiar
And so I wake up in the morning and I step outside
And I take a deep breath and I get real high
And I scream from the top of my lungs
What's goin on"


Christmas is over.

I had hoped it would have been more fulfilling.

More warm.

I had hoped it would have been spent with you.

And well. There's really nothing left.

2011 is gonna be over soon.

At times it felt like an eternity. But it went by just like that.

So many moments I would like to experience again.

So many things that I would redo if I get the chance.

So many of your smiles forever burnt into memory.

So many of those painful moments where I felt dying was preferable.

So many times I felt like I was being tossed aside, replaced, forsaken.

But I guess there's really nothing to regret.

Some things, I will never forget.

These memories I will always hold close to me.

Now... I don't think there's anything more that I can say.

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flumpool - Akashi ( proof )




Face forward, if you ever look back, you’ll stagger
Finally, I managed to wave my hands to you who are fading in the distance

If I call out, I might hold you back. So, in my heart, I whisper
“I’ll be heading towards my dream, and you are going to realize yours”

Only after I lost it, that I realize the warmth that I took for granted
Living through loneliness, I hold on the courage to start on my own path

Before the overflowing tears obstructing you from view
At least, I’ll say “See you again someday” with a smile
When we hurt each other, for countless time we forgive one another
Won’t that be our irreplaceable proof

Even if people critic you of being willful, just keep wishing
That voice will surely reach, if you’re being yourself

If I ever have my dream crushed and given up
Please do scold me from afar, just like those times

At the other end of where you’re pointing, there surely is hope
no one is going to decide it for you
when you’re suffering inside, if you come to question the meaning of life
gently remember of ourselves on that day

“see you again” is a vain word, an empty promise
no matter how many times we exchange it, I’ll never get used to it
nevertheless, in the notebook in which fragments of the past sprawl over
there’s not even a single page with you absent in it

By the time I’ve wiped the tears away, you were already gone
“Thanks” was the word I could think of
again and again we hurt each other and laugh together
this bond will be locked inside my heart, I’ll be setting off too

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Let it rain

It's the great Christmas depression.

I wonder what it would be like to be able to spend Christmas with the person you love the most.

And then the reality sinks in that for the 2nd year in a row, I'm down and out of love on Christmas.

"All I want for Christmas is you"

All I'm gonna get is a big stocking full of nothing.

At least I like the presents I got for myself at Uniqlo.

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For me, the most effective way to get rid of pain, is to numb it with another pain.

Hey, even a temporary solution is still a solution.

Before I realized it, part of the reason why I pick up my guitar nowadays, is to feel the sensation of steel strings digging into raw, peeling fingertips.

It's kind of ironic, that I've turned my instrument into a torture device of sorts.

Too bad it doesn't function as well anymore.

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I should really stop trying so hard.

Perhaps just stop trying altogether.

There really is no point in anything that I do.

They just end up broken into tiny little pieces, swept away by the wind and left to be forgotten by all but me. Just for me to regret.

And I'm always chasing, always running but the distance just seems to get further and further.

Why do I cling so hard to things ? I'm just gonna get left behind.

"Therapy is a kid's worst nightmare, because everyone is telling them that they need help, when all they really need is hug."- Alex Gaskarth

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Hey y'all.

Please enjoy this year's Christmas for me.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Screaming.

I'm staying away.

Not because I want to, but I don't have a choice.

This one is going to be hell to get over.

Being in love has never been so painful.

Every waking moment, my heart is shouting her name.

Pummeling its cages, wishing to break free of its flesh and bone restraints to be at her side.

But no.

No matter how much I love her, how much I want to be with her. It's not going to happen ever is it ?

Take it slow ? Forget these emotions step by step ?

It'll happen gradually.

But what if it doesn't ?

I'm struggling to hold back my feelings.

The relentless beating in my left chest.

And I'm choking on this misery.

It's so suffocating.

And it's strangling me from the inside.

It's really painful.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

What is the price I have to pay to be happy ?

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

眼泪

我的眼泪在哪里?

为什么我总是哭不出来?

我打一个哈欠都回流眼泪,但是为什么伤心时,心痛时却流不出来。

我很想哭,我真的很想哭。

我是不是很笨?

我是不是很幼稚,为了一个女孩子而这么伤心?

为什么我这么白痴?

为什么我这么没有用?

为什么我只可以静静地接受?

为什么我还能笑得出来?

我很爱她,真的,真的,非常爱她。

这是我第一次告诉一个女孩子 “我爱你” 这三个字。

明明被拒绝了,为什么我还笑得出?

可以不要笑吗?

可以不要在人家面前装着什么都 OK。

心里很痛,真的很痛。

为什么爱一个人总是会这么痛苦?

“我爱你”

这三个字是很认真地。

早就知道她不会喜欢我。

为什么还含着那一点点的希望。

我也知道没有结果,为什么还含着那一点点的希望?

为什么我会爱上她?

不要告诉我你是个烂人。

不要告诉我你多么的卑鄙。

不要告诉我你会想故意伤害我。

这些我都知道,我知道,但是我还是默默地爱着你。

我觉得自己很可笑。

他们全都告诉我 “你这次爱错人了”

真的有 “爱错人” 这种事情吗?

是我自己白痴。

自作多情。

普普通通做个朋友不是很好吗?

为什么爱上她?

起初我也不想,但是我的感情我控制不了。

我什么都不懂,真么都没有,不喜欢我也不奇怪。

我也想把这个感情埋起来。

我也想回到那些日子,我们单单是朋友的那些日子。

知道吗?

我这一生最想要的就是能够找个伴陪我一生一世。

算了。没希望了。

心碎了一次又一次。

没关系,作朋友好。

我很累了。

你们一定觉得我很可怜。被拒绝而已,有谁没有不拒绝过 ?

说到几乎是一中要死要活的事情。

可以让我哭出来吗?

哭一下不就没事了。

为什么就是哭不出来?

很痛。

很痛。

很痛。

很痛。

很痛。

很痛。

很痛。

很痛。

很痛。

很痛。

可以让我哭吗?!

Monday, December 19, 2011

Lonesome Lunch

Going out by myself.

Coming home by myself.

Buying lunch by myself.

Eating it by myself.

This house is pretty big but I never liked it.

And even though I call it home, I don't feel cozy here at all.

It's just a big empty house with no soul.

Looking out through the windows at that vast grey sky.

I wonder if you're seeing it too.

And maybe you're sparing me a thought every now and then.

Hoping that you would think of me all the time would be exceedingly stupid of me.

Are you enjoying yourself ?

Talking and laughing and flashing that amazing smile.

That smile that always manages to curve my lips upwards when I remember it.

What does it mean to be happy ?

My idea of happiness, I think it's pretty simple.

It could be sharing a meal, where we would smile and laugh and talk of all the nonsense in the world.

Or a walk somewhere, with our fingers intertwined and our shoulders bumping into each other.

Or maybe just lying in bed under the sheets on a rainy day keeping each other warm.

But maybe I'm being too optimistic.

But I keep telling myself that I shouldn't expect anything.

Why is love so difficult ?

Even though it is such a simple feeling.

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It's raining so hard. I wonder if you can get home safe and dry.

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flumpool - Haru Kaze



I want to keep talking with you
I want to keep laughing with you
This will probably never change
I couldn't imagine my life without you

I want to keep holding your hand
I want to hold it real tight
This will probably never change
The days that I was with you
I want to live it just one more time

If a wish would come true
I will always choose to go see you
Several nights have passed by
I will dedicate this song to you

Sunday, December 18, 2011

We'll be fine.

I'll hold on to those words.

And I will believe in you.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Relentless

How do I extract myself out of this feeling of being incomplete.

The windows reflected in the puddle. Showing me the grey sky outside.

The rain that poured on me. I really hate it.

But then it seems like at least the sky understands me.

The sky can stop crying, but for me, since that day, it hasn't stopped raining.

Waiting for that song to play.

I'm really so pathetic.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

So pathetic

And so weak.

I say I don't want to betray her.

But in reality. All I want, more than anything else, is to be with her.

I can't lie anymore.

It's much too painful.

Everything is dull and grey.

Is it ok ? For me to love her like this.

Is it possible for us to ever be together ?

Monday, December 12, 2011

What do you do ?

When you miss someone so badly you wanna rip your heart out and toss it away so you can't feel that pain.

I don't understand.

And I'm confused.

I don't know what to do.

Throwing me a curve ball.

Sending me crashing down like that.

In that one moment, everything changed for me.

Just four words.

I am a wreck.

I can't stop thinking about her.

Please.

Come back and save me.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Can't

Contain it anymore.

Day 1 of filming is over.

I'm so tired.

Right now, I would give anything. Anything.

To drown myself in her, to get drunk on the taste of her lips.

I can't repress it anymore.

I just want her.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

The Meowth is out of the Pokeball

There it goes.

All my resolve just flew out the window.

Broke it down, just like that. Into tiny little fragments.

My feeble lies and denials, probably didn't buy a single one of them.

I'm really sorry. Really really sorry.

I'm so relieved, but at the same time, so afraid.

The shock, the confusion. And every other little emotion that followed.

I thought I could handle it.

No.

You just, royally mess me up.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Breath

I just want to breath until I take you in

So close but so far away.

Being happy hasn't started yet.

Well at least I'm not unhappy so I guess it is a start.

Gonna watch apple of my eye on Wednesday. That's something to look forward to.

2 assignments to submit at the end of this week.

Still being chill.

The real 'fun' starts during holidays.

It's gonna be intensive.

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I have work to do but right now, I just feel like burying my head in something soft.

Wrap myself up in warmth.

Close my eyes and drift away.

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SID- AkiKaze

Thursday, December 1, 2011

December

December is darkest, and June is the light.
But this empty bedroom, won't make anything right.
-Calendar Girl, The Stars

Into the last month of the year.

It seems November has been a bad month for many.
For me, well I didn't enjoy it that much.
But November was also the birthday month of many who are dear to me.
So I guess I shouldn't complain.

It's been raining everyday, which sucks.
Because there is a puddle in my room everyday. I guess this is something I can complain about.
I've got some assignments to hand in.
Nothing too stressful though. I won't have to lose sleep over anything this time round.

I'm going to try my best to live happily for the remainder of 2011.
Through 2011, I've mostly been sad, angry, jealous and resentful.
For this last month, I'm going to try my best to be happy.

Hey, even if the main character at the end of the story does not get the girl. It's fine.

There's still a sequel to be written.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Snip snip

I got a haircut today. And bubble tea.

Had very lousy ban mian for dinner though =(

It was SO BAD omg.

Mom please, how many times do I need to beg you not to buy from that store/place ? The food there is generally horrible. =(


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I'm walking on a knife's edge.

Teetering from a peak.

Reeling from a punch.

Drowning in air.

Drunk on thirst.

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Something good happened for Bryan today.

Well I'm very happy for him, but as usual I'm envious/jealous. Whichever, whatever, however.

Aiya I'm sure my time will come someday.

No actually I'm not sure at all.

I'm gonna be #FOREVERALONE

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All Time Low - Time Bomb ( the mv is out ! )

Monday, November 28, 2011

Everything Hurts

Especially the fingers on my left hand. They're sore as fuck.

But I feel some sense of accomplishment.

Cept for the B chord. That damn B chord.

Heh, I could be somewhat Maso. Even though my fingers are still sore, I wanna pick up my guitar and go again. But it's kind of too late for that now.

It's already become a form of escape.

Where I don't have to think of anyone, of anything but the chords I'm playing.

I would say I'm pretty bad, but what does it matter right ?

There's nobody to hear but me.


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Now my head hurts. From my forehead to the base of my skull.

I should sleep, but I can't.


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And my heart hurts because. Just because.

Once upon a time, I would have been really happy.

Now, not so. There is a smile, but it's a bitter one.

I want to believe in it, those words. But I can't.

Not with what's happened.

For trying, for lack of trying. It's become so painfully obvious to me.

"That I don't mean anything."

There's so much venom I want to spit.

So many thoughts that I want to deny.

Weighing so heavily on me.

Can I just fall asleep and not wake up ? A dreamless sleep would be nice.

Maybe until a day when someone who needs me comes to kick me off my bed.

To give me some meaning.

It's just so hard to keep myself going.

When morning comes everyday, I just want to not get up.

Just want to lay in bed. And forget everything.

Hole myself up in an empty white room and dream of oblivion.

So I wouldn't love and be denied love.

So I wouldn't hurt and be hurt.

So I wouldn't want what I can't have.

So I wouldn't feel anything anymore.

I would give away my happiness together with my sadness.

Wouldn't that be ideal ?

ii deshou ?

Saturday, November 26, 2011

My Misery

Has its own theme song.

It's called 'I'm a Loner'

I tried to walk away. I wanted to see if anyone would care enough to come after me.

I got this far. And nobody did.

So I just went back.

In defeat.

In bitterness.

In anger.

In helplessness.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Therapy

Now I know that lecturer take attendance don't tell anybody. Quietly down there marking on the paper. Sneaky bastard.

And once again. I find myself helpless.

That at this point, nothing I say or do is going to change anything.

Misery. Misery. Misery.

My throat is fine now but my nose is still blocked. Which is really annoying because I have to breath really loud.

Now resisting the urge to chug panadol flu-max.

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All Time Low - Therapy




My ship went down
In a sea of sound
When I woke up alone
I had everything
A hand full of moments
I wished I could change
and a tongue like a nightmare
That cut like a blade


In a city of fools
I was careful and cool
but they tore me apart like a hurricane
A hand full of moments
I wished I could change
but I was carried away

Give me therapy

I'm a walking travesty
But I'm smiling on everything
Therapy you were never a friend to me
and you can keep all your misery

My lungs gave out

as I faced the crowd
I think that keeping this up can be dangerous
I'm flesh and bone
I'm a rolling stone
And the experts say I'm delirious

Give me therapy

I'm a walking travesty
But I'm smiling on everything
Therapy you were never a friend to me
and you can take back your misery

Arrogent boy

love yourself so no one has to
They're better off without you
(They're better off without you)
Arrogent boy
Cause a scene like your supposed to
They'll fall asleep without you
You're lucky if your memory remains

Give me therapy

I'm a walking travesty
But I'm smiling at everything
Therapy you were never a friend to me
You can take back your misery
Therapy
I'm a walking travesty
But I'm smiling at everything
Therapy you were never a friend to me
and you can choke on your misery






Monday, November 21, 2011

Shit Happens

1) Fell sick
2) kena warning letter for attendance.

wtf does edwin even mark attendance ? How the fuck did I kena a letter for a lecturer who doesn't mark attendance.

zzzz rudely awoken at 9am to get scolded for warning letter and even though I'm sick as fuck. Mum wants me to go to school.

I dunno whether she is stupid or stupid.

Can't be bothered with her lah.

wtf lah seriously. If I had the energy I would be facepalming all the way to next year.

Time Bomb

Those days are gone.

And I can't get them back.

Regrets.

I'm full of them.

I guess nothing's gonna last.

When I unknowingly put my heart in someone else's hands.

Things just change.

If I could take it all back.

If it all never happened.

If I could erase these emotions.

I guess we could be happier now.

And maybe just like how it used to be.

Ah well.

They're gone now.

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All Time Low - Time Bomb ( Acoustic )



We were like a time bomb set into motion,
We knew that we were destined to explode,
And if I had to pull you out of the wreckage,
You know I'm never gonna let you go.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Break my little Heart

Today was a utter and complete waste of time at school.

Lesson start 40 minutes late and ends one and a half hour early.

A grand total of a whopping ONE person showed up to audition.

And there has not been such a high concentration of people I dislike at the clubroom ever.

Show myself to the door.

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All Time Low - Break Your Little Heart



Don't be so sentimental, no
This love is accidental, so
Give it up
This was never meant to be
More than a memory for you

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Pokemon Master

Yay I just beat the Elite Four. That's half the game over. It was a series of battles of not-so-epic as well as epic pixelated proportions.

But got some sense of satisfaction lol.

I have been praticing guitar half an hour everyday. Or almost everyday. Just playing the same song over and over. I don't think I'm getting better though. Lol whatever. For fun only.

Yesterday I found out that my little cousins in addition to iPhones have a DSLR EACH WTF.

Kids nowadays so good life leh. =(

This is probably my last or at most second last week before the project rush starts. Gotta enjoy it to the fullest.

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I went to play FNM after subcomm interviews on friday. Clean sweep 3-0 ! Won all my matches. 2-1, 2-0, 2-1.

Freakin sweet. Even though the prize sucked. Feels good to win stuff.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Gsus4

Is annoying but nowhere near the annoyance level of the freaking 'B' Chord.

Bane of my life I swear.

Btw, I got my new guitar today. Looks freaking sweeeeeeet.

Friday, November 4, 2011

500 miles

YAY MONEY. $425.

I CAN DO STUFF NOW.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

RAGEY

MY PAY IS NOT IN DAMMIT. I MAD

FUCK IM GONNA GO DOWN AND COMPLAIN.

STUPID ICHIBAN.

NOW I HAVE TO DELAY ALL MY PLANS SERIOUSLY WTF

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Happy Halloween

Kids outside screaming 'trick or treat'

Is halloween ever a big deal in Sg ? I don't think I've ever celebrated it in my entire life.

And it doesn't really mean anything to me.

Well the only occasion means anything is chinese new year cos I'm getting money. Hehehe

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Yesterday was the daiko concert 'Summer Beats'

The performance was really good. Other than some really random k-pop dance segment.

I enjoyed the concert in spite of some annoyances.

The part when all the balloons came down was really cool.

And Zakie umchio-ed as expected haha.

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Moving back 1 more day to Friday.

I went to peninsula to look at guitars.

I found one I liked right off the bat.

White semi-acoustic with a cutaway. $210.

I can't wait to go back and get it. Hoping my pay comes in without any hitches. Then I could go and get it on wednesday. Maybe maaaaaaaybe tuesday. Latest Friday probably.

Sad that it doesn't come with anything though. I may need to fork out for a bag.

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Ok now. I need to write a story for an assignment. A story for a short action movie. 3 minutes. How do I go about it ? Hmmm.

Why no inspiration ?

Friday, October 28, 2011

Peter Parker

I think I can kind of understand this character now, better than ever.

Holding himself back from the love he so desires.

Always trying to do the right thing. Even so, being misunderstood.

Fighting even against overwhelming odds.

Even though he is just a fictional superhero. His force of will is amazing.

A real hero.

Perhaps I am now experiencing a mere fraction of what his life is like. Figuratively. No goblins, aliens and stuff here.

There are no superpowers at work here.

Somehow now, years after its release, I can understand what kind of pressure Peter parker was under in the 2nd movie.

And right now. I'm really really tired of everything that's going on. Of me, of her, her, him, him and many others.

A huge web of deceit.

From now on, I'm just going to do what I think is right.

Even if I'm tossed to aside.

I'm not going to just follow along this time.

I will do, what I think is right. Even if it turns out to be wrong. I will stand by what I believe in.

" Sometimes, in order to do the right thing, we have to be steady and give up the thing we want the most. Even our dreams "
- Aunt May

These feelings of mine. Make everything so much harder.

If only I could discard them, if only for the moment. Until this storm passes.

Until I can be fully honest with myself.

Until then, I'll live with it.

My secrets, my burdens.

I'm sorry.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

I spy...

with my little asian eyes.

A pattern.

It's familiar.

It's happened before.

I'm dreading it.

Can I be heartless ?

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

A Daydream Away

You're just a daydream away

Wouldn't know what to say if I had you

And I'll keep you a daydream away

Just watch from a safe place so I never have to lose


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Hiya

TGIF

Today got Indian festival.

So I stay home all day.

I slept a ton which is good.

I reached home around 9 yesterday and I just crashed. Woke up at 1.

Crashed again at 4. And woke up at 1pm today.

Sleep on the bus, sleep in class, sleep at random places.

But just can't fall asleep when it's time to.

My sleeping problems are puzzling.

Today has been ok so far. Other then having diarrhea on and off.

Lucky I didn't finish those pills the last time.

Nothing productive done at all today, which is just how I like my holidays to be.

This sort of life is really surreal in a way.

Nobody and nothing.

Just me and my daydreams.

But even in them, the feeling is suffocating.

My contradictions.

My wish to be alone yet not alone.

Knowing loneliness to be able to truly treasure someone.

Feeling this cold to be able to truly experience warmth.

Hey.

Keep me warm.

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SID - Binetsu

Monday, October 24, 2011

You know.

Sometimes it just feels like I'm an existence that could be just be thrown aside easily.

With nothing to say.

Grabbing around trying to find the right words.

But then it doesn't matter.

Because I just don't matter.

Saying anything. Or not saying anything. There is no difference.

There's always people who will mean more than me.

If this was a contest. I won't be in it.

Why compete knowing that I won't come out of it with anything.

There is no point.

But life goes on.

Whether I'm in yours or not.

I have no significance in it.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Hey

I met an old friend on the bus today. He cut his hair so I couldn't recognize him. He whacked me to get my attention though.

We didn't get to exchange anything other than waves since he was with his friends and I was by myself.

But that's ok. A slight smile and a friendly wave is enough. Our mutual understanding.

Made my day that bit better.

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Stars - Calendar Girl



This is a song that a classmate shared in class when we were asked to share a video of something that we would like to learn or inspires us.

The typography is cool and all. But this is just a really good song in my opinion.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Pain

I really feel like some loser right now.

I can't solve anything.

Or help anyone.

In me trying. I've probably done way more harm than good.

What is right ? What is wrong ?

Did it matter at all ?

Was I just to pretend and act like everything is ok ?

Would that have been the right choice ? Then there would not have been so much disappointment.

Was I wrong ? For something that was teetering in the balance. In doing so, I probably betrayed them both.

Watching the tears. I couldn't even stretch out a hand.

I couldn't do anything. Anything at all.

For the friend I hold so dear.

I just made things worst.

As usual.

I wish that I could be able to express myself more adequately.

Maybe things would be better.

I don't know. I'm afraid.

In the end, I'm still just an observer. I cannot affect anything.

I just.

I'm just getting further and further and further away. I can't get through.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Like the birds

Spent the last day of holidays at home reading pokemon manga.

Now wondering If I should get buy ZW's DS. Then I'll be able to buy other stuff too. But still, gotta wait for pay to come in.

For Pokemon !

Today the 1st day of the new semester. Also the last semester for the 2009 spjcc batch except for me and maybe eric.

I didn't bring anything but a water bottle and my hoodie. Thank goodness for the hoodie. Went to clubroom during break to pick up the new club shirt. Gotta admit it's really good. I was kinda apprehensive as to how well the design would transfer onto the shirt. But all is well.

The crazy 4 hour lesson ended early so I'm thankful for that. Went home to catch up on sleep seeing as I only managed to fall asleep at 5am or thereabouts.

And now I'm drinking tea which pretty much guarantees me not being able to sleep for quite some time. Good thing 1st class tomorrow is cancelled. So I only actually start at 2pm. Pretty sweet for a 2nd day back.


FT Island - Like the Birds



As I look at the birds flying
I want to follow them and fly as well
Freely underneath the blue sky
I want to follow them

I want to fly in the sky today
I want to touch the clouds
Uh yes I wanna touch the cloud
Because they are lower than the sky
If only if the tips of my fingers can touch the tip of the cloud

Even if I want to leave this stuffy city
I cannot go

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Vengeant

Like a recurring nightmare.

Staring at myself in the mirror. Those glaring eyes. Smoldering.

That wish I never got. Why does he have it.

And why does it affect me so.

Seeing it once wasn't enough ? That I had to dream it a few times more.

Why. Months it took me. Had it in a few days.

Is that the difference between us ?

I cannot fucking live this down.

Burning.

Spitting fire. Spewing venom.

At this point now. I don't care what it is. I want power.

I am sick of always being powerless, always watching from some far-off corner.

No matter how unholy and vile it is.

I want to exact my vengeance.

Feel the pain that I do.

Suffer.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

And even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious

If you say it loud enough you'll always sound precocious

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious !

Was feeling pretty awesome at the start of the day cos successfully registered my gem of choice.

Personal Financial Planning. Haha, shall see if it helps.

Then finally seeing some money in my bank account but spending like half of it finishing up my deck. Shall not touch the rest of it.

Pretty good day so far.

Being able to use twitter on the go is so much fun. Drains battery pretty quickly though.

Being bored at home at night. Watched some DoTA, read some manga. Stoned.

Like damn emo la, never talk to anybody.

Don't feel like sleeping also. Screw work lah, I wanna enjoy my last week. Using time to come up with some cock & bull excuses to get out of it.

Oh and like everybody has a DS now, I wanna get one of my own too.

But there's so much stuff I wanna get, even with my salary I think it's still short by quite a bit, which is rather frustrating.

My original plans involved having at least $150 left over after buying all the stuff I wanted, now another item has been added to the list lol. Sucks ah.

And I haven't played DoTA in days. I think I'm getting really rusty. Ganking skills rusty, juking skills rusty, farming skills also rusty =(

I guess that's just the way it is. Friends busy with FYP and stuff or playing that dota imitation game called.

想念

All of a sudden like. Kinda emo haha.

Crazy stuff happening recently. Never would have thought things would happen in this way.

Must be having a really tough time huh.

And my mood like just died.

Thinking of a person. Wondering how she's doing. Does me not being in her life affect her at all ?

Dunno why I suddenly thought about her.

She's not supposed to be relevant to me anymore. Well.

I hope she's happy and doing well.

为你弹奏萧邦的夜曲
纪念我死去的爱情
跟夜风一样的声音
心碎的很好听
手在键盘敲很轻
我给的思念很小心
你埋葬的地方叫幽冥
为你弹奏萧邦的夜曲
纪念我死去的爱情
而我为你隐姓埋名
在月光下弹琴
对你心跳的感应
还是如此温热亲近
怀念你那鲜红的唇印

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Nearing the end

Just a few more days of work. It's probably over by Thursday next week. Doubt they will really wanna keep me anyway lol.

Yeah well, timetable's not out yet. Why the hell they so slow about it.

Also, gems registration next week. Probably will miss slots cos of work. Whatever lah, hope I can get some slack business gems. I don't think I really care what I get anyway. Just wanna finish all the stupid gems.

And hopefully I will get to enjoy the last few days of this holidays. The last 3 days, hope no stress ah.

Hope the salary thing gets resolved soon. Talked to the manager about it. She said she'll call the office and get back to me on Thursday. I'll have to talk to her about it again after work though.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Today I woke up at 2pm. I was going to go out to get macs but it started raining really heavily. It stopped pretty soon but somehow I still managed to get there in time for the last few minutes of mcvalue lunch. Lucky.

Had cravings for bubble tea but thankfully got no outlet anywhere near me.

Alright, gotta sleep soon.

Goodnight.

Friday, September 30, 2011

In My Head

Yay lepak day. Stay at home all day lazing around xD. Only went out to get lunch and buy bubble tea cos I don't think I can afford to order mcdelivery.

For lunch I had economic rice with fish, egg, veg and curry sauce. It has been a long time since I ate rice. Then head down to koi. I got the passion fruit green tea. Siao liao, I becoming an addict already. =(

I think I woke up close to 1pm. And after lunch and stuff, took a nap around 5. So shiok. And I have tomorrow off as well so I can stay up really late and sleep until noon or something.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Something sad happened. My earpiece has some sort of problems in the wiring. Unless I adjust the position of it very precisely, I only hear echoes. Which means I can't use it anywhere other than home.

No music outdoors. =(

Oh, and I think it's time to re-contract to get a new phone. The current phone I'm using is clunky, laggy and unresponsive. Fuck it doesn't even vibrate when I get a message and it has nothing to do with settings.

I should do that tomorrow since I have it off as well.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CNBLUE new japanese song !

In My Head

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Just like that.

My off day is almost over. Back to 2 days of tedious kitchen work washing / chopping / getting burned. And stuff. But its also 2 days of earning money. Then having Friday and Saturday off before the 10 hour grind on Sunday.

Fucking Money. It's like a love/hate relationship.

I love having it to spend but I hate working to get it.

Especially in such a dangerous job when I never know when I might get into an accident. Maybe its just me but I don't think its wise to lug heavy stuff around in a kitchen that is almost always slippery due to oil and water and whatnot. Oh and the fire. Idk why it has to be so hot. Just standing beside the cooking area is almost unbearable. Not to mention all the mishaps I get into when dealing with fire.

Yup. Making glorified fast food is freaking dangerous. I guess that's why the pay is higher than working at Macs or something.

Doing opening is simple enough but closing is a serious bitch. Cleaning up the whole freaking kitchen. Lugging stuff out of the fridge to wash it. And throwing water all over the damn place. I dunno I just got the feeling I'll slip and knock my head and die someday.

And honestly I am actually kinda glad now that my parents want me to quit when school starts. And I don't think I can handle a job + school at the same time. Doesn't help that being in an assignment based course, the time I have to commit to projects outside of school hours is kinda volatile, dunno can't think of a better word for it. I just don't think I can manage working at least thrice a week.

But aiya for now. Endure the scoldings and do better. For the money.

Hmm well enough bitching about work.

Woke up at 2 pm today. Order Mcdelivery. Laze around. Sleep from 5-8. Laze around more.

This is the life.

And just like that. Only 2 and a bit weeks of holidays left.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Melon Milk Tea 30% Sugar

Is what I bought from Gongcha after work. It was pretty good but I don't think its worth $3.10.

Having to wake up at 7.30 on a Sunday morning is ridiculous. By my standards at least. And I have to work an almost 12 hour shift tomorrow as well. 1030 am to 1000 pm. Ok well I guess 10.5 hours cos of break. So its like uh 4 hours more than what I usually work. Damn good thing I have Tuesday off. And Friday, and Saturday.

Oh and thank guan yin ma only 1 full-day shift.

Went to Darling Toh's metal gig yesterday with HJ and Bryan. There were some delays so we ended really late. Like close to midnight. Lucky the trains were still running. The music wasn't really to my taste but there were some that I quite enjoyed. I guess those were the ones with less screaming/growling and I could actually hear and understand what the front man was singing. I dunno why they shut off the air-con around 11. The last few bands had to sweat it out in the room. Toh was drenched by the time he was done.

But then it was pretty fun. Lying down on the grass outside the venue talking nonsense with the group. It was pretty damn funny.

Haiya, really not looking forward to work tomorrow.

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Tetra-Fang - Message




From the still-dark morning’s town
The darkness is slowly lifting yo
Tell me, I’m searching
for the answer to when the dazzling light will shine

If you were here
what would you say…tell me
from a distant, far-off time I prayed

“The gradation that mixes morning and night’s colors
is a landscape that won’t exist twice
It’s how things are and so it’s beautiful”
Your message

See me, I’m walking
it’s fine at my own speed, it’s fine even if there isn’t a map

If you were here beside me
what you’d probably say is…it’s all right
The sky is always above me

“The clouds flow, their shapes changed by the wind
things change
the things that don’t change are the important things”
Your Message

“The gradation that blends morning and night’s colors
is a moment that won’t exist twice”
I won’t forget

“The clouds flow, their shapes changed by the wind
things change
the things that don’t change are the important things”
I’ll accept it always
Your message

Thursday, September 22, 2011

One Time

Washing scallops feels freaking disgusting. I think I almost puked the 1st time I did it back in day 1. It's just so like jelly-ish and slimy and eurgh.

I still do things slowly and with much less finesse than the experienced workers. It's not that I dunno how. Ok I dunno how to cook things and I dunno how they gonna help me to learn how to cook all the freaking dishes.

After work today was when the day really started.

Hung out at 'Hariss Planerds' while waiting for the others to show up. It's freaking nerd heaven lol. It's basically a book store stocking various Sci-fi , fantasy novels. Comic books from DC , Marvel etc and even manga. Also stuff like D & D.

Yeah and finally met up with Haizul after so long. Haha she said I look like I got skinner. And I think I agree. Wtf I got no idea how I can tie an apron so tightly but it still somehow manages to slip off.

We had LJS for dinner. Then we went through HMV, Planerds and H & M.

I think I don't get the concept of fashion at all. I think all the trends nowadays are weird as hell. Waddup with high waist shorts. I dunno why people wear it. I think it looks totally weird.

Then took train home cos for some reason the 162 doesn't show.

Really quiet. Tired, drowsy.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Still I don't believe at all that it's not my fault whatsoever.

Why would I be punished for something that's not my fault.

It just doesn't make sense.

I try not to think about it.

But it just keeps coming back to me.

Maybe if I'd stepped forward to try and resolve things. I dunno.

It's really really frustrating.

I really dunno what to do ugh.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Paine and Panicke

Tomorrow is day 3 of work.

I am more nervous than I am on day 2.

I have already forgotten where stuff are kept.

I haven't studied the menu at all.

And I think I'm gonna have to do opening by myself ah.

Shiiiiiiiiiiiit.

I can already envision myself screwing up something big time.

DISASTERRRRRRRR

Ah well.

I'll take it as it comes.

Today was really fun.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Weightless.

I woke up around 1pm today. I love sleeping.

The past few days were pretty tiring.

Thursday - 1st day of work @ Ichiban Sushi. 1030 -330

Learning the ropes, lots of things to remember.

Friday - 2nd day of work. 1030 - 5

Learning more ropes. I get in the way a lot cos I work slow. I wish I could somehow improve overnight. I just get in the way a lot, especially during the lunch hour.

I have never had to cut or wash any vegetable in my life so I think it's taking me especially long to get used to doing this kind of stuff. I guess my sheltered life so far is both a blessing and a curse.

Coming out to do this sort of work is really alien to me. So I guess me doing this is sort of growing up in a sense.

The people there are pretty ok. Kinda boisterous but they're really friendly and helpful. Especially the poor guy assigned to teach me stuff lol.

Doing some math, I have to work at least 20 hours a week for the remaining 4 weeks of holidays in order to meet my target of earning at least $600.

Then after work on Friday, rushed down to tampines for meeting with the TP ppl. Met an old friend / classmate. I had no idea he was in TP. And it was really surprising that he's on the TP JCG committee as well.

I knew something was sorta up when I noticed her messaging so furiously. Aiya.. =/

Meeting got done around 10. Reached home close to midnight. Used lappy for abit, then went to sleep close to 4am.

Woke up today to a thunderstorm and a giant puddle in my room.

Toasted and ate 2 pizzas.

Headed to the POSB branch at Thompson Plaza to open a new bank account.

FYEAH ATM CARD. I FEEL SO ADULT NOW.

GOT SO MUCH MONEY IN MY ACCOUNT. A WHOPPING SGD$10.

I CANNOT EVEN WITHDRAW IT COS MINIMUM WITHDRAWAL IS $20 LOL.

Oh well, gotta wait for my pay to come in.

Looking forward to being able to buy stuff.

1) semi-acoustic guitar
2) new music player
3) M:tG cards
4) clothes

Yes my messed up priorities. Although I suppose I will have to save some hear and there for a rainy day. And for the future. Guess I will set a target to save each month ? If I decide to continue when school starts. I dunno if I will be able to handle it though.

Oh well, we'll just have to see.

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Plastic Tree - Chim Chim Cheree



From the v-rock disney album.

I think its an album where J-rock/VK bands cover songs from Disney movies. Or something. I dunno. =P

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Eve

Got a haircut today.

The hairdresser convinced me , or should I say I got suckered into trying a new hairstyle lol. Its not bad actually.

She said things like 年轻就是要try. Look like Luo Zhi Xiang. Bla bla lol.

Then I'm like aiya ok lah anything lah.

Anyway. I'm supposed to start work tomorrow. Nervous + anxious + apprehensive + excited + stuff.

Must remember to wear the right attire and shoes.

I think I'm damn stupid today. I wanted to get ruffles but I got lays instead. I see the words 'sour cream and onion' then I just take and pay. Then I only realised when I got home I bought the wrong brand. =(


Plastic Tree - Nemureru Mori

Sunday, September 11, 2011

不知道

Now I'm just confused.

Okay its not my fault apparently.

But then I still don't understand what's going on.

So whose fault is it ? What's the problem ? What's the issue ?

I need an automatic update feature so I know what the hell is going on.

Need a textbook for this sort of thing, I think i'll gladly pay for one.

Argh.

Starting work on Thursday. Got income coming in now ( hopefully ? )

Need some 老子 wisdom.


吴克群-老子说

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Day by day

Still not feeling too well. Really hope I get out of this soon.

2 things happened today.

1) my high e string snapped.

2) Ichiban Sushi called. Said will call me back next week or something idk. Hope they do, I need moolah. And things to do.

Sian I dunno how to restring a guitar.

Day by day, relax at home. I love this lifestyle LOL.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

I will be different, I will be myself

Bus ride home today in silence.

Well not exactly, got music.

1 particular song that I kept going back to.

'kinou to wa chigau kyou nozondemo mukou kara onaji iro no ashita ga kitemo iya ga ou demo boku wa chigau boku ni nareru'

Guess its the flavour of the day song. Or something.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Today when I woke up. I picked up my electric guitar. Tried to sweep all the dust off of it ( and failing ) to sit down and learn a song.

Boys Like Girls - The Great Escape.

I could get most of it I think. Doesn't sound good at all though, kept hitting the 1st 'E' string when I'm not supposed. And timing on the solo is quite a way off.

Hardest part for me is the intro. I just cannot get my fingers on the 6th and 9th fret at the same time. Aiya @.@

Fingers hurt.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Then went to meet TP comm at clementi Fish & co.

Not worth my money ah z. I should have just went to school straight to get macs. I will save like.. $10 yeah. It didn't taste bad, but I can't really see why Fish & Co is famous.

Oh well.

Then meeting at school with only 5 people showing up.

Not bad though, got stuff done. Discussed some stuff with the TP ppl.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Still having random stomachaches. Much better though. The pills did help a lot.

男人不坏,女人不爱

Is something I don't believe in.

I still believe there is someone out there who's able to look past appearances and prejudices.

And I believe we will find each other.

Friends ? I don't need to go out making friends. They'll appear in my life naturally when it's time to.

For them I am...

Thankful. And frustrated at times too.

Well, I'm feeling it. The distance.

Supression

Looks like the sports drink sodium thing actually does work. Although not miraculously like I would like it to.

Dammit. Guess I need a few more days.

Also I think recently my body has been kinda fucked up.

Been feeling queasy randomly ever since last Friday.

Also can't eat much at all. Half the time the food just won't go down properly. Then no appetite wtf. I'll be hungry then when the food comes just cannot eat properly.

The food today looked so delicious, sadly I can't taste it properly.

Very frustrating.

Was fun though. Watched that psycho movie. Hung around doing random things. Enjoying the company in general.

I think I needed it.

Hope I get better when I wake up.

Thanks for the pills !

And then we're kinda drifting. =(

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Shit is about to hit the fan,

Literally.

I've been crapping water the whole day since I woke up, like every hour. Butt is sore as hell.

Disgusting yeah I know. z

Googling a bit about it.

Apparently its some sort of infection/food poisoning.

Basically I need to drink gatorade or at the very least, water. To prevent myself from getting dehydrated and then I should be fine in a few days.

Few days.

Few days.

I haven't got a few days.

Alamak.

Better get better by tomorrow.

The alternative is pretty bad.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Day 1 is gonna past without any phone call.

siiiiiiaaaaaaaaaaaan

Need some luck plz.

L'Arc~en~ciel - Good Luck My Way




I'm so glad I met you in a corner of this changing world
So overwhelmed with emotions that I couldn't put into words
When we meet again, will I be able to get them through to you?
Crossing the distant Rainbow
Good luck my way, to the path we trust

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Sleepy Days

Yesterday was the Japanese student even thingy. I don't even know what.

Slept at 3 am. Or tried to sleep at 3am, fell asleep at 5am clutching my phone beside my head so the alarm will ring into my ear and wake me up properly at 6am. Worked like a charm.

Only that I could have woke up 1 hour later. Freakin Issac no update the details on the Facebook page QQ.

Even after eating mac breakfast, I arrived early like 8.10 am. Dunno why I seem to travel so fast when I'm not in a hurry. Lucky got people giving out free newspaper.

The whole thing started out ok. Although the planning was sorta haphazard.

Then went to PS with the 0611 pair job hunting.

Which was the time I started feeling unwell.

Halfway through my yoshinoya meal I had to go to the toilet to puke.

Dunno why but the food just wouldn't stay down.

$5 wasted.

Spent my time waiting for the 0611 pair by waiting outside the shops trying to keep the queasiness down. At least I only had to puke that 1 time.

Then took bus home.

I fell asleep in an awkward position with my head on my right shoulder while HX was talking about the girls in her dating sim. Sorry.

Woke up a few stops before mine with a bit of an aching neck. Ugh.

Reached home and dropped like a rock on my bed straight away. Woke up 3 hours later at midnight. Surfed the net until 3am and went to sleep again until 2pm this afternoon.

Then I went out to get Ba Cor Mee. The store that I frequent closed down so I went to the other one. Not that it doesn't taste as good but its 50 cents more expensive hehe. Its hard to compare the taste cos I feel that the 2 stores have sort of a different flavour.

I slept a lot today as well.

I wish there was live coverage of Pro Tour : Philadelphia though, then I would have something more interesting to do.

I think they may have went to the airport to send the jap students off. I have no attachment to them. Hope they enjoyed sg though.

Have been kinda stumbling around all the time. Like can't wake up 100% nowadays.


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CNBLUE - Love Light





Thursday, September 1, 2011

Things

That annoy me.

1) When the bread on my cheese... I mean when the cheese on my bread doesn't melt the way I expect it to. Yeah my mental image of piping hot melted pizza-esque cheese just got totally ruined. I am sad.

2) Judgmental shallow bitches.

http://gizmodo.com/5833787/my-brief-okcupid-affair-with-a-world-champion-magic-the-gathering-player

I'll try to summarize.

So this woman met a guy on an online dating site. And this guy turns out to be the one-time world champion of M:tG. Also one of the most successful and decorated players in the history of a game. Jon Finkel.

In short. A nerd of sorts.

But then he's also 30+ years old with a stable job ( Hedge-fund manager or something ). Doesn't live in his mom's basement. Made a bunch of money playing magic. And also made money playing in high-level poker tournaments.

In short. Not the typical fat smelly basement dweller nerd stereotype. And he's not even bad looking.

So because he used to actively play a 'nerd' game, this woman decides to write up this bullshit article about their 'dating' experience. What a journalist. Acting like she's too good for him just cos he plays a game about magic and swords and monsters. Guess what woman. He's way more successful in his career than you.

Pretty damn amazing that stereotypes like these still exist in this day and age. Woman, the world is run by nerds now. Not a good idea mocking the 'King Nerd' on the internet. Especially since its the domain of the nerds. Gonna crash and burn.

No loss for Finkel, he's too good for this slimy woman.

rageragerageragerageragerage

My nerd cells are on overdrive.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Turns out the cheese+toast that didn't turn out the way I imagined it would, doesn't taste all that bad. Too bad I was unable to get any proper food.

Didn't get any allowance today and all my cash went towards bill-paying.

Ahh.

I wonder if people actually read all my nerd-rants lol.

Well anyway. Sorry.

I'm thinking.

Why do I want to be in a relationship ?

In a way, trying to figure myself out.

Is it because I like the feeling of having only 1 person beside me ?

Or is it because I like the feeling of having someone in my arms ?

I dunno but somehow I think these are all the wrong reasons.

But then, is a reason even needed ?

Argh. This is confusing.

Tear all my hair out.

Maybe all the reason I need is to meet the person that makes my heart beat faster.

Dunno.

I had a weird dream last night. I dreamt that Haizul wrote a blog post entirely in chinese.

what the what what what.




Old Fashioned.

I have a bad feeling.

And I hope that's all it is.

K so. Huixian went clubbing. I SERIOUSLY HOPE NOT BY HERSELF.

WHO KNOWS WHAT COULD HAPPEN.

Better not get drunk.

I'm sure Haizul ( Hello ! ) remembers what happened the last time.

wo de tian ah.

I reaaaaaaally don't think a girl should go to a club alone.

It's not safe !!

Or maybe my thinking is too old fashioned.

Is my thinking too old fashioned ?

Probably.

Wo bu zhi dao lah.

Its just so worrisome.

Gah.

Hope everything turns out fine.

I should stop worrying like an old geezer.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I'm hungry.

I think there's snacks around.

Ordering macs 2 nights in a row isn't good for my finances at all.

The instant noodles I had today were really bad. Tasteless and bland urgh. Eggs couldn't save it.

Tomorrow. I want to go out and get a proper meal.

With meat.

Yes meat. Can't survive without meat.

Om nom nom nom nom.

Meow.



Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Hunger Pangs

Its almost 4 in the morning.

I'm still up because I can't sleep on an empty stomach.

I didn't get any dinner.

I tried to sleep but urgh, Just can't.

So now I'm waiting for my macs to arrive. My juicy tender mcspicy, slightly soggy large fries, orange juice... ahhhhhhh. I'm like drooling just thinking about it.

Ah anyway. Prata plan earlier was a fail. The chicken rice was so dry omg I can't take it, thankfully huixian ate it in my stead.

Ate Fruitare ( I think thats how its spelt ) ice-cream at the bus stop. Staring at the white board.

I think its funny how we hate looking at our own ugly mugs lol.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Half-heartedly trying to look for a part-time job.

Argh its so.. grr don't even know how to describe arghgragaragaragragra asdfghjkl
hai...

What would be a suitable job for me I wonder...

And the answer comes to me. Sitting in front of a computer.

Kay. Food is here, time to eat.

Itadakimasu

Monday, August 29, 2011

谎言,思念

I so bored.

Found a new game to revive my PSP with.

Its called Legend of Heroes : Trail to the Sky.

That graphic style is exactly what I like the most in an RPG. Little block people walking around slaying monsters.

The female protagonist is noisy and annoying though. =/

Which is a downside but I suppose its good for story progression.

And they say some seriously awkward and embarrassing things sometimes. Not to mention some seriously Captain Obvious remarks.

Makes me groan.

But I think its pretty good so far.

Onwards !

To the random musings.

I had porridge for dinner. It wasn't very good. Mainly cos it was a meatless meal. Other than eggs.

Need to go out and pay my bills tomorrow.

And I feel like going to eat prata tomorrow.

Man Utd beat Arsenal 8-2

GLORY GLORY MAN UTD !!

K.

I need a purpose.

Oh I also wanna go Sunshine Plaza and eat the Curry puff again. As well as try the Chicken Pie. Expensive but sooooooooo good.

And I want to eat Bedok BCM.

Wanna eat so many things. But they're not very accessible =(

Haiya.

And sometimes I wonder about Sam too. Is she happier now since I'm bothering her anymore. Ever since I stopped talking to her, she hasn't said a word to me as well.

I guess I kind of miss those times. But then no. It was just me trying to get her to respond. Talking to the wall I suppose.

Oh well. What's over is over. She just didn't like me, or cared about me all that much. If I had continued, there would have been nothing left but bitterness.

As it is now. I guess we're barely friends, more like acquaintances. And we'll probably stay that way.


Thursday, August 25, 2011

Question...

My existence.

I am so stress free. But then I'm not exactly happy. But I'm not exactly unhappy either.

What.

The current state of mind now is weirdly thinking and not thinking , aware and unaware , feeling and unfeeling.

Like stuck in a limbo.

Kinda have a bit of a headache now.

While questioning my existence. I like solitude, but in it I don't feel like a living person.

So I wonder what is it that I actually like.

So... what I'm like confusing myself now.

Losing track of things.

When each day blurs into the next.

When... what was I thinking again ?

Thoughts coming and going.

I think this post is gonna just a random jumble of sentences without any meaning whatsoever.

Okay so after 1 sentence every few minutes. I think I'm just lonely now lol, for lack of any friendly contact in days.

Not that I haven't been out and about and talking to people. Just not the same arh.

Days that seem an eternity but end in a flash.

Fade to black and suddenly its 2 in the afternoon.

Why am I so out of it all of a sudden urrrrrgh.

Woke up so late but feeling kinda sleepy.

Can't focus. Blur blur blur blur blur blur stoned stoned stoned.

Is this what it feels like to be out of whack when a person is overloaded on drugs ?

But I'm not on drugs wtf. Maybe high on Nasi Lemak or something.

So what did I eat today. Umm so random ah z ... some mushroom chicken puff for teatime cos I woke up too late for breakfast and lunch and then Nasi lemak for dinner. Oh and Lychee Milk tea. Weird combination but I like it.

This is really turning out to be a random jumble of thoughts and musings.

BTW I'm not being emo. Actually I dunno what I'm being. I guess random would be a good answer. Randomly stupid more like.

Oh and I realise I haven't heard any laughter since Sunday.

I'd like to hear all my friends' really weird and unique laughter.

Actually thinking about it there's just HX's 'toss head back and laugh loudly' laugh. Oh and Zhen Wei's weird laugh that I have no idea how the hell I am supposed to come up with a description for.

Actually I just want to hear my friends laugh and see their bright/demonic/sadistic smiles.

Actually I think my smile is the most demonic.

And actually there are too many 'actually' in this blog post.

I'm up to 'Kimi Ni Todoke' chapter 34.

That manga is totally sweet and awkward and will never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever happen except in Magical Christmas Land. And even there its kind of a long shot.

And 'Welcome to the NHK' chapter 21.

Now this manga is absolutely mind-bogglingly ridiculous. I dunno whether I should laugh or cry in exasperation reading this. Credits to the Japanese for coming up with such a goldmine of a garbage concept that kinda sorta makes sense but is still absolutely retarded.

Like a what what what ?

Boom boom tap. Boom boom tap.

One time. One time.

I get it now. NHK mindfucked me so I'm in this screwed up state of mind bla lol.

blabber yadder dabber.

cowabunga.

scooby dooby doo.

K I'm getting too retarded.

Bye

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Lost in dreams

Had a fun chat with magikarp yesterday where our messages got randomly eaten by Facebook.
Om nom nom.

Talking bout random things. Like Natsumatsuri which was boring and DoTA ( LOL WTF IKR )

Apparently she's been working on that song I gave up on writing.

That little chat made me feel better. Although I wasn't really feeling down or anything before.

Really one of a kind huh.

But I was able to sleep well.

Anyway. I realised that I haven't really talked to anyone while I was hikikomori-ing for the past week. Other than skype with the guys while DoTA-ing.

So. I want to try reaching out and talking to my best friends more often.

And I wonder, if they miss me like I miss them. If they think of me like I think of them.

And I'd like to see them more often if fate allows it.


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CNBLUE - Thank You



I really love this song

You smile, you smile looking at me
I’m thankful for that smile of yours
Even if you don’t tell me that you love me, I can feel it
I am just thankful for this love you give me

You tell me, You tell me looking at me
I’m thankful for that one word of yours
Even if you don’t express that you love, I can feel it
I am just thankful for this love you give me




Friday, August 19, 2011

Gotta get down on..

EVERYDAY.

Everything's been submitted. Done and dusted. Just wait for the shitty results to come back to me and hope I don't fail.

After submission today. Met Narimah, Stanley and Moritz along with their group of Jap students. Hung with them for a little bit before going home with a Subway foot long sandwich.

Snoozed until 7. Got up to watch DoTA 2.

So far DoTA 2 has been absolutely sweet. Everything looks awesome. Interface in clean. Graphics are and skill animations are clear. Most importantly PoTM looks awesome. Actually everything looks awesome. The only downside is that Storm isn't a panda anymore.

Some really unexpected things have happened in the tournament so far.
MYM got stomped by M5 and Scythe, moving them down to the loser's bracket. They're doing worse than I expected them to.

However. Scythe.SG after a horrendous 1st game has turned it around. They're now in the finals of the winner's bracket.

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Tomorrow is Natsumatsuri. I kinda don't really feel like going now. See how tomorrow ah.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Chess Piece

I am almost done. Just a little bit more until the main thing is finished. Then I can leave it overnight to render. And then finish up report and miscellaneous stuff tomorrow. Submission on Friday and I'm officially free.

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I dunno why, but suddenly I feel like I want to lots of things.

Like uhh, I wanna write a story and turn it into a manga. Heck I even drew out the main character earlier today.

So far, it's about a teenage boy who almost dies in a car accident. While unconscious, his will to live on attracted a snide, rude, sarcastic but benevolent demon. He makes a contract with said demon to live on. He is given demonic abilities and forced to fight for the demon.

..

Something like that. I think there could be a lot more to improve on concept-wise though.

And I'm not too good at drawing action scenes.

Oh. And I'm not too good at drawing females.

=(


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Good luck to everyone taking exams.

CNBLUE - LOVE


Sunday, August 14, 2011

Sakebe

It's a lazy lazy Sunday.

And I have 1 last assignment to finish.

And I'm doing nothing. YAY.

Just surfing the net randomly. Spamming twitter.

DoTA 2 screenshots !!!!

So excited omg nerdgasm.

Faster more screens plzzz.

POTM AND ANTI-MAGE. OH AND THE 2 PANDAS.

PHANTOM LANCER AND SPECTRE TOO.

zomg so excited can't wait for it to be released.

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So apparently someone read my tarots for me.

The Fool. Hanged Man. Devil Inversed.

Sounds so scary lol.

Turns out its not so bad after all.

This tarots thing reminds me of Persona 3.

So. I'm a wild card.

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RADWIMPS - Sakebe



This determined heart that says to "scream"
The uncertain words that say "see you"
Hoping that I won't lose it, that I won't forget

Friday, August 12, 2011

Never regret anything

Because at one point, it was exactly what you wanted.

I have uncountable regrets.
What I desired all those times, were they wrong ?
Were they exactly what I wanted ?
I lied to myself that they were exactly what I wanted in some cases.

But if I did otherwise, would things be any better ?
Or would things just get worse ?

It's something that I'll never know.

Can I be faulted for taking the safe route as compared to the risky route ?

Or maybe I'm just trying to convince myself that I did what I did not for the sake of myself but for the happiness of others. That I'm not such a selfish person.

Ahh, I'm like so hopeless.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Exhaustion Point

From Tuesday night to now my total hours of sleep < 8 including short naps in class and naps on the bus and also short naps when I reach home.

Its a pretty stupid cycle. Stay up all night to do assignments in the hopes of being able to sleep properly the following night. And then realising I fucked up so badly so now I have to stay up another night to redo all this shit. Fucking hell.

And tomorrow is another day where I have to run all over the fucking country collecting stuff for assignments. Seriously annoying dammit.

Grrrrrrrr.

I can't wait for tomorrow to end. Then I'm going to sleep and not step out of home until the next week.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

I've been watching this one anime.
I guess one could say its one of those mainstream battle anime. And I guess it is.
It's really really similar to Naruto. Except less draggy.
Or I hope it turns out to be less draggy.

Ao no Exorcist.

About a teenager who unwilling turns out to be the son of Satan.

Like naruto, he's the host of a power he can't control. And even though he doesn't mean to, he ends up hurting those around him.

But it turns out he can't control it because he's afraid of it.

And I think. Isn't that so like us ?

Because we're afraid of ourselves. We lose it sometimes, doing or saying some really bad things even though we never meant to. I think its just like our own defense mechanism, we're scared of being hurt... so we strike out 1st.

And it always turns out bad. The regrets, the guilt, the anger that we feel at ourselves that comes after the storm clears.

I feel that this is something that will never ever completely go away. There's always some stuff that happens that shakes us up, sows the seeds of doubt, eat away at us from the inside and its really scary... the stuff that we're capable of when we're so afraid that you can just lose it completely.

Ah Well. Enough of the ominous stuff.

We had a bbq at Darren Toh's place today to celebrate ZW's birthday.

The food was pretty good and I had a lot of fun. Hope everyone did as well.

Its the times like these that makes me feel like I can have good friends around even after HX graduates.

I guess that would be one of the things I was most afraid of.. like what would happen when my best friends are all out of poly.

Imagining it, it would be just me, going through all the motions of school. Drifting through , just existing.

But then, I'm pretty sure that's not going to happen now.

Things will be fine.

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In My World - ROOKiEZ is PUNK'D



Dark side in my heart is
The unerasable sadness of the past
It's alright if I don't really mean it
So I fire my blasters and stretch out my hand

Since when has my way been unavoidable like this ?
And now there's so one left

Damm this destiny
I cry for my pride, I can't bear it

Ah Ah Ah alone in my world
An aria of love resounding through
This distorted reality of twisted prayers
My dreams and tomorrow are collapsing
Because throwing away the lies would be boring.
Good bye precious life.

Go and repaint this destiny
Try it for your pride, covered in wounds

Ah Ah Ah alone in my world
Even so, I sing the song of love and
Let its wish reach through this distorted world
To build our bonds and the tomorrow to come
Throwing away the lies was important after all
Because this is my precious life

Dark cloud in my heart is
Disappearing and light is shining on the road I'm on
Let's fight, there's no fear
I brandished my two-edged sword.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Observer Mode

OKAY.

The upcoming week's gonna be stressful. 3 Deadlines I think it was.

Aiyaiyai. Tsk annoying.

Got the feeling I'll get like all Cs and Ds again.

Hmm... I wonder what everyone's from today's doing now, what they're thinking now.

I dunno maybe its just me but, everyone else's life seems so much more interesting than yours when you're cooped up in your room huddled in front of your laptop doing nothing productive.

And well, I kinda dunno why people wanna come to my place. Not that I mind. Okay I mind if its when my parents are around. I don't want awkward questions being asked.

But there's kinda like nothing to do here.

I wonder what we'll do if I really invite people over.


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CNBLUE - Imagine



Cool effects at the start.
I think this song is so cute lol.
I wanna learn this song but I can't find chords anywhere. And I can't see the chords they're playing.

=(

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Blurred

The 74 I took today broke down near SIM. Good thing there was a 52 right behind it.

Oh well.

I'm tired. Mentally, not physically. I don't know.

It's like I just want to close my eyes and lose myself in nothing, but my body won't let me KO.

Oh. I think I've more or less recovered from my illness, just a little bit of flu left.

I just had a really really heavy dinner so I'm totally bloated and lazy right now.

I wanna like flop on my bed like a dead fish and not do anything but unfortunately that's out of the question.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Money Money Money

Sian arh, everything also need to spend money. Do assignments also need to spend money. Damn frustrating leh.

Like every school year throw away $100++ on assignments zzzzz.

Buy this buy that, run here run there, print this print that. WTF lah.

asdfghjklragelkjhgfdsa

钱钱钱钱不够用.

Try so hard to save money then ends up I have to blow it all on buying materials, printing things for freaking assignment.

Freaking DMP, that whatchamacallitboard cost $20+. Gotta be fcking kidding me.

RAWR.

Bitch.

Bad mood.

zzzzzzzzzz

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Debts repaid.

Sleep debt repaid. Round 12 hours.

Got on the bus last night. Found a sit, head met window and I lost consciousness for half an hour.

Home at nine. Head found the pillow and at long last. SLEEEEEEP , PRECIOUS SLEEP.

I woke up like 2 minutes to answer the phone around 9.30 when mum asked me what I wanted for dinner. I never got to eat it until this morning like 3 hours ago.

Phew so I didn't sleep for.. lets see.. like 24 hours straight.

Hehe now I'm just chilling, feel like I'm healin..

Lolol shameless plagiarism.

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Yesterday was a day of achievements.. sort of. Got stuff done lol.

Finished 3DVFX assignment 1 ( sorta )

Finished Filming for DCM ( thanks Hui Jun and Darling Toh )

Finished Filming for PVFX assignment 1 ( they started when I got there lol )

And paid off my sleep debt.

So all is cool.

For now.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Rite of unsleep

This is the same thing that happens every night before the deadline of an assignment.

I don't sleep.

Except this time I have a headache, runny nose and sore throat.

Feels like crap honestly.

Damn I wanna crash so badly. But I have 2 things I need to complete, and the snail-pace that the backing up of data on my laptop is isn't helping cos it lags my computer and prevents from running my program.

The backup's been running since 9 and now its at 78% completion.

So.

2 things I need to do.

Make my maya scene look realistic.

Draw storyboard so I can better explain what to Darling Toh what he has to do.

.............

Need tea.

Head still hurts.

Need sleep.

Can't sleep.

No tape.

Need tape.

Or Jay has to remember to bring his handycam for me.

One deadline tomorrow, one deadline next Friday, another deadline the Monday after and the last one on Friday.

......

Sweet. backup is 80% done.

I need Friday to end quickly.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

I open at the close

Sound familiar ?

I am about to die.

6 hours in air-con room didn't help at all.

I wasn't dying before. But I'm dying now.

When I woke up I was feeling ok enough, but just in case, I brought out 2 packets of tissue.

I finished the 2 packets in like 2 hours. FUCK.

So I'm like ok shit, trying my best not to get any 'substances' on my clothes, making like infinite toilet trips to blow my nose.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

NEXT

Long story short, I fucked up, I paid the price.

Moving on.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Did I mention I'm dying ?

Hold on, I feel a big sneeze coming up.

Ok.

Speculating on what might be the cause of death.

1) Eating KFC last night. The Macdonald's god must be unhappy because he thinks I've defected, so he struck me down with a curse.

..........

That's all I got.

And I think that's the most plausible explanation.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Shout it Out

Detachment.

Today was a really peaceful and quiet day.

Woke up at 10 in time for school. And then went home straight after school.

And slept more lol.

And then woke up to lepak and do some work.

Lol boring day actually.

Going home today, I took a different route. I took train to clementi and then took bus 52 home.

The bus ride is noticeably faster but I don't fancy having to change transport. And 52 doesn't have any double deckers. EFF

But hey, taking 52 today sort of paid off.

Passing by NP, I met a good friend from sec school. He was sitting with a friend/girlfriend so I didn't get a chance to talk to him but still, a friendly nod, wave and smile is pretty good.

And there was this girl beside me who fell asleep on me.. sort of. So I was like trying to squeeze myself as close to the window as possible so she won't actually sleep on my shoulder.

My shoulder's not just for anyone lol.

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Karaoke in 13 or so hours.

And my left eye kinda hurts. Guess I gotta sleep if I'm gonna drag myself up tomorrow.

And well, since I don't actually have anything much better to do, I'm making a return to M:tG.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Patched up clockwork

1 hour break now, at the worst time possible. It's so crowded now seriously. So instead of getting lunch I'm here in the lab writing this.

If I'm hungry I'll just self-declare me a break time so its cool.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've taken it back. And I've fixed it up a some. The cracks are still really obvious and visible. But at least its in 1 piece.

And for now, I'll hold on to it. I won't give it away. Until the repair person comes to fix it up for real.

It's a patched up piece of clockwork. But it's better than having a broken one.

It feels good, to have a whole heart, instead of one that's been sundered, broken and smashed.

Lol, until the next time perhaps.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And sometimes. I feel like I'm the odd one out.

When we were at HX's place yesterday.

There were 2 female best friends, and an extra guy.

That's what it seemed like to me.

Like being left out.

I can't even really place where or why I got the feeling out of nowhere.

Not that yesterday wasn't fun. It was.

I'm probably just over thinking things again.

But then, uncertainty is and has always been a part of me.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

HX's having driving practical today.

Good luck to her.

3rd time's the charm maybe ?

Huixian, stay strong.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oh snap, my neoprints, some of the colour came off

=(

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I want to forget it all, but I can't, I wonder what is this feeling called?
My chest is restless, it brings me memories
I wonder what is this feeling called?

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Tempered Steel

I realize, that I've been so caught up in my problems and my 'new found freedom'.

So much so that, I've been rather oblivious to some of the going-ons around me.

I really haven't been being a good friend these past few weeks.

And I'm so disappointed with myself.

I knew that problems were bound to show up. But I didn't know the extent of it. I should have realized, but I didn't.

I've screwed up so many things that I can't undo.

But most of all, I don't want to screw up my being a friend.

It's the only thing I can do now. But I don't even know if I'm doing it well.

I guess we're all at a crossroads.

Things have happened.

Everyone's in some sort of mess.

What's gonna happen next ?

I don't know what to do.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Shelter

For once, I'm glad to be able to be of some help.

mune ga sawagashii demo natsukashii

Monday, July 18, 2011

Zaza Furi, Zaza Nari

The song I'm addicted to at the moment.

>>>> in the sidebar. 1st song on the list.

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Haha, 1st time in my life that someone gets jealous over me LOL. Should I be pleased ?

I dunno, that's quite amusing though.

Life is peaceful so far. School-home-school-home-school-home.

How very fulfilling.

Assignment deadlines coming up. Not worried. I always pull through. I'm rather confident in my ability to last minute complete work. Although the results may not be so great. But I'm working on it.

There's lots of stuff to do. For me and for everyone else.

I'd like to hang out with my friends more but it everyone's got stuff on and times and well, our schedules just don't give us the chance.

Especially with Huixian and Haizul. We should just sit on a bus and talk nonsense sometime.

But even so, right now I feel so much more carefree than before.

Weird huh.