Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Think some happy thoughts.

Today

I have a lot of things to be happy about. All of it, because of one girl, and the words she says.

Today, when she saw my 'new' phone, I told her it was really awkward to use and type for it, and that I lost her number. She said , " Oh so that's why I didn't get any messages from you lately "

Haha, maybe she got too used to it already.

That wasn't really why I stopped messaging her, but hearing that made me really, really happy. I can't really explain it. Maybe I'm being happy for nothing ? Haha

Every Tuesday morning, she asks if I had breakfast. Today, she also said maybe she'll pack breakfast for us some day if she has the time.

With that, comes the realization, that she cares about me, probably just as friends, but still, I'm really very happy. My heart kinda flew away there.

And then, the offer to help me with my work, if I ever needed it.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Damn she's just too cute and sweet. Knowing that she cares, makes life so much brighter.

So now, the problem is. How am I supposed to forget , if the feelings just keep getting stronger.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Plastic Tree - Mirai Iro




YEA THE PV IS OUT. I don't really understand it, but the song is great. 15 more days until the single is released . xDDDDDDD

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I love you

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Talking is easy

I said I would stop thinking of her, and forget my feelings for her. It's proving to be hard to do so far. I still find myself thinking and daydreaming about her.

It's sort of wrong, and I really don't want to be doing this, but I really can't help it.

I thought it would be weird, but we're just the same as usual. Talking, laughing just the same as usual.

Maybe that's what makes it harder. Maybe I just need to give it some time.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Phone spoil. Sian to the max, left button screwed, down button screwed. Nvm still ok.

Select button spoil. GG, cannot set alarm. Which results in me blogging this at home while my classmates are in class.

Cannot find my old spare phone .. zzz, but can find my old mp3 player at least. So I got music.

But then I can't contact ppl. Holy shit. People can message me but I can't open the message.

This is so screwed up. It's not even funny.

Ok maybe it is, just a bit. xD

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Been DOTAing quite a bit recently. It's sorta been getting in the way of my work. Although I did stay up until almost 3 am writing my script. So that's not too bad I guess.

I'm just really motivated to train and become a better player after losing in the DMIT gamer's meet.

( DOTA LINGO, PLEASE SKIP IF YOU DONT UNDERSTAND )

Losing because I failed to control my opponent in lane leaves a bitter after taste. Although my team captain told me I did the best amongst the team in that game. I still kinda feel it was my fault for not laning well enough and letting my opponent get too stacked.

Our bans and picks were rather questionable as well though. So we sorta lost half the game through the banning and picking stage.

Gonna train it up, take my game to another level. Bring up every aspect of my game. Lane control, farming, ganking, juking, map awareness.

To be the player that my team and friends need me to be.

To play the perfect POTM

( END DOTA LINGO )

Would I have done better if she was there to watch me play ?

Dunno, maybe.

Oh well, there's next year.



the moon erasing sins, if I am forgiven,
it's alright if my sadnesses can't be counted
as if the stars are falling apart, as if they're being reborn
tomorrow, when waking up, I shouldn't forget these things
ah, there, I've found it, the light of the place I was reaching toward
ah, the world is shaking, I look up to be sure

it is from your light

Monday, November 22, 2010

Looking Back

It's just weird, when suddenly in the space of a few seconds, everything can suddenly change.

I was happy, and then suddenly everything kinda went all numb. And I couldn't really feel anything. I tried to look away, kinda like in denial lol. But then after a while, it just sorta sunk in.

I guess from now, I gotta force myself, to not think of her in that way, to not see her in that way anymore. It's gonna be kinda weird for me, to have to suddenly force myself to think differently.

Wonder what I'm gonna say when I see her again. Although I guess, really nothing has changed. She doesn't know. She probably still sees me in the same way as before.

Just gotta numb myself, and carry on. Nothing's gonna change. I can't do anything anymore anyway. So yea, whatever.

I'm fine now, I think.

It's ok.

It doesn't matter anymore.

It's like, I'm cutting away a part of myself. Waking up everyday, looking forward to seeing her smiling face in school. A routine that I've gotten rather used to over the months. It's not that I can't do that anymore. But my purpose is lost.

Cut. Cut away, the red string that binds my emotions to you.

Cut it away, so I can move on.

Cut it away, so I can continue, walking on the road of life.

Cut it away. To not be stuck in this moment in time.



A drop of feelings that can't be put into words,
cold and dry, it disappears, hey

Even if the world tried to go crazy with lies,
I probably wouldn't care

Somewhere in this world I'm singing,
and please let you be laughing somewhere in this world

Friday, November 19, 2010

GG WP

Good game, well played

WELL FUCKING PLAYED.

Today

Confirmed

*********** is in a relationship with Samantha Tan,
and its not me.

WELL FUCKING PLAYED MING WOON, YOU SCREWED UP.

I should have known, I should have fucking known. How obvious was it that I missed it ?!?!

How long has it been like this already. How many times have I seen them together. How obvious does it have to be. I should have fucking known.

Its over, its god damned freaking over. What the hell was it all for.

Shock. Numb. Cold. Dead. Empty

I was so much happier not knowing.

The images of them, hugging, holding hands... how do I get them out of my head ?
GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HEAD DAMMIT.

It's over before it started. I'm so stupid. I should have made sure before I fell so deep.

Like a Falcon, soaring on the wings of love.

Clipped wings.

Crashing down, back down to earth.

I want to scream, but no sound comes out. It's a weird feeling.

I don't know. I'm not sad, I can't cry. Maybe its cause, subconsciously, deep down, I already knew. I already knew what kind of outcome it would be, how the story will end.

This is the real world, there are no fairy tale endings. Not for me at least.

Her smiles were never meant for me
Her hands were never mine to hold
Her hair was never mine to stroke
Her waist was never mine to hug
Her cheeks were never mine to brush
Her lips were never mine to kiss

She was never meant to be mine



So stupid, so damn stupid...

What was the point. What was it all for.

GOD, GOVERNOR OF FATE OR WHATEVER DAMN NAME YOU'RE CALLED. DON'T SCREW AROUND WITH ME DAMMIT, DON'T GIVE ME SO MUCH HOPE, AND THEN TEAR THEM AWAY FROM ME. DOOOOOOONT FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK AROUUUUUUUUUUUND WITH ME DAMN YOU, GET THE FUCK OUT. I DON'T CARE HOW BIG OF A SHOT YOU THINK YOU ARE, DON'T SCREW AROUND WITH ME.

WHEN I DIE AND GO TO HELL, I'LL CLIMB UP TO HEAVEN AND DRAG YOU DOWN WITH ME. YOU BETTER BE READY AND WAITING.

Just.. go away

weak
pathetic

I want to forget. If there was a way, that I could just stop loving you now.

I want to forget, how can I forget ? Forget all these feelings, just forget and let go.

So so stupid, stupidly chasing after someone who was already attached.

The peak of stupidity. Higher than Mt Everest.

These feelings, will remain hidden, will never be said. Locked, buried, throw away the key.

X marks the spot, the spot where it hurts the most.

An arrow, sharp, piercing, right through the X. An arrow by Cupid's evil twin.

There is no blood. Just emotions swirling around, drifting away. Drifting, like the flower that is just out of my grasp. Like the love that I was never meant to have.

What did I try so hard for...

Should have known, should have fucking known...

Life is a game isn't it. Well... GGWP

Good game, well played.

Well fucking played.

The colours grow dull

_l_

Middle finger to the world. Screw you.

Tomorrow.
Tomorrow, I'll be fine.


Delusion. Abrasion. Diffuse. Evaporate. Scatter. Feelings into dust.

Ignite. Fan the flames. Stamp it out

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Treasured memories. Fond recollections.

When I'm with you, nothing else matters.
When I'm with you, the world shrinks to just the two of us.
When I'm with you, the time flies by.
When I'm with you, you're all that I see.

I wonder if you'll ever feel the same for me


School visit is finally over. Even though I had fun and really enjoyed it, I know of the many obstacles that were overcome in the planning and organization of this event. Kudos, to the people who made it work. And all the other clubs that participated of course.

Guitarists performance was totally amazing btw =DDDDD.

River flows in you <3

Thursday was all girls, Saturday was all guys. It was really fun of course, but in a different way. Even though we could not communicate well with each other, we enjoyed the games we played together. In that, I guess I kinda found a sort of kinship with the students.

A bunch of guys, kicking a shuttlecock around. Nothing else is needed. Transcending the language barrier.

Of course, a bunch of other stuff happened. Eg, some spilling of food. Overstepping our time limit bla bla bla. Rather chaotic near the end, but somehow it ended well enough.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The idiotic things I do for love :

I went to AFA ...

Yea.. seriously....

And what I have to say is : Unless you wanna suffocate or something, stay the hell away from AFA. No space to walk, getting pushed and jostled all around. That's some serious BS man.

Yup, the totally idiotic things I do for love.

Maybe I shouldn't have tagged along, 1 guy (me) and 9 girls ( some I know, some I don't ). Totally super awkward. If I had known I would be the only guy...

Hanging out with the girl I like ( and a bunch of her friends who I'm not familiar with ) wasn't so bad I guess. She didn't have much time for me though, being with her friends and all. I was probably just the wallpaper in the background there.

So yea.. sucks to be me.

Yup, the SERIOUSLY RETARDED things I do for love. FML LOL

Well the most important thing at least, is that I was with her. Wallpaper in the background or not, that's all that matters. I guess.

Ignited -Piano Ver-



Been getting into listening to piano tracks recently. It's very relaxing.


If I play love, you're the piano.
If I compose love, you're the song.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Chaos

Let's burn a hole, so we can climb out
Of these paper walls and this empty house
Don't listen too close, their words are like guns
With bullets that fly, and kill what you've won

11/11/10 : School visit program.

Performances were pretty cool. The students were pretty cool. Think the day would have been pretty good, if not for some BS officer with a shitty attitude giving trouble to our boss.

The students were supposed to be the same age as us, or so I've heard. The guys look like 20+, the girls look like 14/15 lol.

I was kinda nervous at first but they were pretty enthusiastic about the games. I hope Saturday's group will be the same.

不知不觉 I'm kinda looking forward to Saturday. You'll be with me then.

Subway twice today. Hole in my wallet.

Lots of behind the scenes trouble. Hope our president's ok. She's got it tough. She didn't look well at all today. Should i have said / done something ?

Dunno what to do, like useless only. Waste of space.


Ah, even if the future is nothing but fumbling, at least it’ll be a new day.
I must look like a fool.

Chaos. Frenzy. Anxiety. Boiling point. When shit hits the fan

Sunday, November 7, 2010

The paper walls of our lives.

Lets take what hurts, and write it all down
On these paper walls, and this empty house


As the days go by, I waste away my precious time. Thinking about things that shouldn't even be in my mind, I'm behind schedule on my school assignments. Where's my sense of urgency ? Seems like its deserted me. I just don't feel like I need to rush to do anything anymore even as deadlines loom closer and closer.

Feels like I don't have a purpose in life. People have their hopes and their dreams, I don't. Nothing excites me, gets my blood rushing. Life currently is a monochrome. Everything's in black and white. There are no colours, no excitement.

Of course, I have my friends, and I truly enjoy their company. Outside of that, it just feels like I'm out of limbo with the rest of the world. My friends and her are kinda the only thing I feel like I'm living for now.

How do I break this chain of monotony ?

School visit program next week. How will it turn out ? Am i excited about it ? Could be.
Nervous ? Definitely.

Traditional games, the only one I know how to play is chapteh, and even then I'm not that great at it.

Hope I don't screw up. Oh well, we'll just see how it goes.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

All that's in my mind, all that I can think of. Is you.

A sweet smile.

Twinkling eyes.

Flowing black hair.

You are what I think of when I try to sleep, you're the first thing I think of when I wake up

Every morning, no matter how long and tiring the upcoming day may be, I force myself to wake up and go to school. Partly because, to grab at the small chance that I'll get to see you. The other part is.. to learn stuff.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Every time I'm close to you, I have to do all I can to prevent myself from pulling you in close, putting my arms around you, holding you close.

To not lose myself in you

I'm pretty screwed up huh ?

No, I don't need that question answered.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Life works in really weird ways I guess.

Unexpectedly, out of nowhere, you appeared right before me. My heart skipped a beat, leaped and soared high into the sky.

I forgot whatever I was supposed to do at 7pm on Thursday, to stand beside you, to talk to you about the most random things ever. At that point in time, I could see nothing but you, it was like, the rest of the world had disappeared, just me and you, side by side, in our own secret garden.

Reality strikes back. In the form of school visit briefing that I remembered after half an hour.

Do you think that lil TKD boy was cute ? What about those puppies in the video I showed you a few months ago ?

They're nothing compared to you. Honestly.

How can someone be so childlike, innocent, adorable and yet seem so mature and sensible at the same time. You're really something.

I want to say ' I love you', but I don't think I can, not before I truly understand what love is, what those 3 words really represent.

And so ends this ridiculously long, and horribly mushy post.


I want the world to see, what you mean to me

Friday, November 5, 2010

A tribute - paying our respects.

Before reading, please listen to this

Yellowcard - Dear Bobbie




A tribute. To our grandparents, who went through so much in their lives.

This is a song that I used to listen to a lot, I forget when I lost it, or stopped listening to it. It's a song that I chanced upon again while surfing youtube.

It's a very simple song. However, the emotions and feelings behind the song can be heard clearly through the lyrics. It's a song written by Ryan Key, the front man of Yellowcard dedicated to his grandparents.

Hearing this song, made me realise that my , all our grandparents, have been through so much to get to where they are now. Maybe its the trials and tribulations they have faced that have made their love so strong.

My grandparents lived through the Japanese occupation, they were in their early 20s/teens back then.

After that, an uneducated grandpa had to work so hard to be able to feed a family of 8, to be able to fund their education, while grandma stayed at home to take care of the kids. Not an easy feat.

After all, it's all thanks to my grandparents who have raised my mom so well, that I can live so comfortably now.

Everything I've written so far, has been about my Mom's parents who are still alive and kicking. Sadly, my grandfather on my Dad's side died before I was born, and my grandmother died when I was 2 or 3, I don't remember anything about her. But I'm sure they have a similar story.

Even as old as they are now, My grandparents ( on my mom's side ) still love each other deeply, I wasn't there, but Mom told me that my grandpa cried when grandma was admitted into the Hospital not too long ago.

It's the story of my grandparents that gives me hope and to be able to believe in everlasting love.

To all grandparents out there, not just my own. This is for you.


Do you remember when ?
How long has it been ?
1945, you opened my blue eyes,
To see a whole new life.
Do you remember when,
...
I told you this that night,
that if you're by my side,
when everyday begins,
I'll fall for you again.
I made a promise when,
I told you this at night...
I'll be fine

Cause when i die, then I die loving you
It's alright
I'll be fine
Cause when i die, then I die loving you
Loving you...
Loving you...

You have grey hair now, but you're a beautiful woman
And the years have been good to both of us
We walk slow now, but we still have each other
The glue of love is still binding us together
Love is what i remember, do you remember ?


It's the simplest of songs, that carry the strongest emotions
- Love is what I remember. Do you remember ? -

Someday, I hope to have something like this

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

赤。青。夢。嘘。色づく空。

Red, blue, dreams and lies. The coloured sky.

I am a very lucky person. Even though I'm almost always complaining about something or another, complaining about workload, school, parents and life in general.

It's been lost on me that I actually lead a very blessed life. I don't actually have to worry about anything other than school, everything that I could need has already been provided by my parents.

Mom and Dad : Thanks for putting up with all my nonsense

My workload is also nothing special, everyone else is going through the same as I am. In club, I'm also a committee member who has done next to nothing compared to the P and VPs. My responsibilities are nothing.

Friends. Rude at times, crude at times, noisy at times, but I couldn't ask for a bunch of better friends, they're already the best. I'm very lucky to have met them. Doing things together, laughing together, all the hi-jinks that we get up to. Each and every one, a fond memory.

Friends : You are all irreplaceable, important people in my life.

Last but not least, the amazing girl, the light in my sky. You've brightened up my life by just being there, I'm very glad that you are , in a small way, a part of my life. It may be just a small part, but you hold a very important place in my heart.

Girl-who-shall-not-be-named : We may never amount to anything more than friends, but I'm still very happy that we got to know each other


Thanks for everything.

At least we're not smoking, taking drugs, committing crimes, keeping bad company. No matter how screwed up we think our lives may be, we could all be doing a lot worse but i guess we should be thankful for having all the great people around us, to make sure we don't walk down the wrong path.


Sew this up with threads of reason and regret, so I will not forget, I will not forget
How this felt one year six months ago I know, I cannot forget, I cannot forget

I'm falling into memories of you, and things we used to do
Follow me there, a beautiful somewhere, a place that I can share with you


PLEASE DON'T READ MY BLOG IN PUBLIC , DAMN PAISEH CAN

thanks